The recurring advice I'm always getting from my friends is:
"You're just with the wrong guys, Bella."
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On the contrary, I've been with the nice guys and I've been with the not-so-nice guys. I'm 21 years old and I've never been in a relationship. I'm intelligent, kind, loyal, funny, have a passionate love for Christ and yet I've never met a boy that has a yearning desire to make me theirs. For years I've seen great guys in relationships with manipulative, jealous, over-the-top girls with no trace of good intentions. I used to think I was the reason for that. What was so wrong with me that no one wanted me? After years of being emotionally, mentally and physically drained I finally had an epiphany. Nothing is wrong with me. I simply wanted a relationship so desperately that I was settling and dragging out romances that had even the slightest chance of prosperity. I was done playing with fire. I was done being burned. It was time for me to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes and really find myself.
For the record, this is not me giving up on love. I'm a romantic through and through. This is me embracing Ecclesiastes 3:11 and realizing, when the time is right, He will bring the person I'm meant to be with into my life and it will be beautiful.
Until that time, I'm working on myself. I have combated my looming sense of self-loathing and started thoroughly enjoying the person I am. Instead of focusing on building a relationship with a boy, I'm focusing on strengthening the relationships I already have: with my friends, family and, most importantly, with Christ. Instead of spending my nights tossing and turning with a mind filled of "what ifs" and "what could've beens" I'm getting lost in my studies or in a good book. Instead of seeking passion, I'm becoming passionate in my hobbies. Instead of dating guys, I'm dating myself. I'm spending some of the best years of my life on myself and investing in the people who invest in me.
It is now clear to me that my worth is not found in the acceptance of a boy, but in Christ.
For those of you that are struggling to find love, I have some advice for you:
"Look for Christ and you will find Him. And with Him, everything else." -C.S. Lewis
