First,
Let me start off by saying that you wouldn't believe the amount of times that I had to rewrite this. Finding the right words to say, seem so impossible in a situation like this because I feel like I'm always leaving something out.
Second,
I guess here goes nothing. I never thought I would be the one writing this right now. I don't need anyone to remind me that "I'm still young and have so much time left to find love" because at the end of the day, how much time do we really have left? Things happen to people everyday. Why do you think I choose to love so hard and give my all with everything that I do? You never know how many days you have left on this earth and you sure as hell don't know how many moments you have left with someone. It's like there's one foot on the narrow way and one foot on the ledge. That's life.
My failed attempts at love have honestly hit me really hard.
Some, worse than others. The best advice my mom gave me was that "you have to fall in love multiple times before you find "the one" which don't get me wrong, I believe that 100 percent, but I also believe that when you find someone you love, you just know. Timing is everything when it comes to love. I believe that mistakes have to happen for you to grow. I believe that it's okay to live you life until you're ready because love will always find it's way back to the place were it's supposed to be. I understand how hard it is to trust the process and to trust God, but sometimes people have to fall apart to see that they truly need each other. You can be hurt by love and healed by the same.
I've fell in love and I've also fallen out of love. I believe the person you fall in love with first is someone you truly never stop loving and I stand by that
I never wanted to stop loving. I never wanted to stop fighting. I thought I was done. I never was. I think I buried my feelings down so deep, I was hiding from it. I wanted to run away from how I truly felt because I didn't think there was anything there anymore. I look back and I realize that I fell in love with an amazing person, but the timing was just not there. I think we both know that. I think we both know that we had an amazing relationship and the fall out was nothing we asked for or wanted. We just weren't ready for what we were putting ourselves up for. We got so serious, so quick. We both had so much growing up to do and so much more life to live. Which at the time it was really hard for me to not only accept but to understand that. It was one of the most hardest things I ever had to deal with because having to stop loving or put a pause on love just because they did is something no one wants to learn how to do.
I pushed, I pulled.
Instead of listening. instead of just breathing. Instead of trusting. I took matters into my own hands and that was probably one of the worst things I ever did. I pushed, I pulled, I fought until I literally pushed away whatever was left to fight for. Anyone who knows, knows that was probably the hardest thing for me to go through. I was a walking disaster. It got to a point of completely blocking our existence from each other, which hurt like no other. I lost someone for a while that wouldn't think twice about putting others above themselves, the life of the party, someone who is always unapologetically who they are, someone that always pushed me, and someone that was always there when I needed a shoulder to lean on, someone that never failed to put a smile on my face. I said things and did things that cut really deep and there's not a day that goes by that I wish I could turn back time and change that all. I pushed away a really good family, I pushed my best friend away and I could never be more sorry for that. As hard as it is for me to admit, I really do believe our falling out was exactly what we needed to grow up, to start over. After all the bullshit, the mistakes, the heart ache, and time in between, we finally got to a point where we could push it all aside and rekindle a friendship. My friends ask me all the time, "can you really be friends with someone you still care so much about tay?" and my answer is always no but yes at the same time because that is so hard to do when you just want to hug them and tell them how great they are. I'd be lying if I said all those feelings that I once had were not still there. I've never laughed, smiled, and felt so comfortable. Sure, it's hard because you never know who you're supposed to be with but I do truly believe that people are placed in your life for a reason.
My whole point to this,
I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance, especially if you have had the time to grow up and reflect on past mistakes. People can change and people can mature. God puts people in your life for a reason. I believe in second chances and man, I would do anything to give that love a second chance again. I know y'all have made mistakes in love before but I want you to know that making mistakes is okay. Please do not destroy yourself wondering what you could have done differently. I made the worst mistakes possible but all you can do is move forward. The past is the past and that's exactly what we need to move forward and to change. I think this life is way too short to have any regrets and if it means spilling your heart to someone you love, do it. You never know until you try. I believe in second chances and I think it is totally okay to give someone that chance even when you said a million times, you never would. Both people have to want it though, and it is so important for you to respect how each other feels. You can't fight how you feel and your real friends will always support you. One thing I have learned through this whole process, is to never try and force things. Don't force what's not there but always take a chance. "Going with the flow" is probably one of the hardest things to do but I truly believe if you sit back, stay honest, and let time do its thing, you'll stay on the right path. I don't know how religious whoever reading this is, but praying helps so much. I have found so much peace praying for people I love because I know God will make what's supposed to happen, happen. Life is too short to not take a chance.
Chances are, love will always find its way back home.
XOXO,
Tay
