To The Girl Hiding Behind A Smile
You think that you're fooling everyone, but you're not.
I see you.
You walk around with your shoulders back, head held high, and a smile on your face. To the outside world, you couldn't be happier. Everything seems to be going your way; your job isn't stressing you out, you're not falling behind in your classes, there are no family problems, you have no regrets, you have a positive attitude about your body type, you have a loving relationship, and your friends think you're thriving.
But that's all a lie, isn't it?
It seems as if your entire world is deteriorating underneath you, and perhaps it is. Your paycheck isn't enough for you to pay bills, so you search for another job even though your existing schedule doesn't allow it. As you finally catch up in your classes, there's twice as much workload that gets thrown at you.
Despite your family's best efforts to stay calm under trying situations, petty bickering still occurs and medical bills pile up - to which you carry the burden; maybe even the entirety of the guilt and fear so no one else has to. Your regrets outweigh all the things you could've and should've done, but there's no turning back time.
You look in the mirror before you get dressed and see all your flaws, no matter the angle or lighting. You cover every stretch mark, the dimples of cellulite, and every body part that jiggles with whatever black you can find. All because black is supposed to be slimming, right?
You're involved with a guy, but it seems to be stagnant and that scares you. Not because it isn't going well, but because all your doubt and anxiety tells you otherwise - and of course, you listen and become distant.
Your friends, your best friends, that you used to spend all your time with think you're thriving. They see your Instagram and Facebook posts and think that you're still smiling and making jokes as usual. If only they knew.
You put on this facade because you think you are strong enough to carry the weight on your shoulders; for the most part, you can. But eventually, those shoulders that you're holding so high will collapse under all the silent burdens and you'll crumble to your knees.
But no one will see it. You won't allow them to.
Instead, you'll brush it off and act like it didn't happen. You'll maintain your empty smile despite the overwhelming urge to burst into tears. You'll bottle everything up until eventually you take it out on someone who doesn't really deserve it. Instead of apologizing, you'll remain silent as you try to justify your actions, despite the fact that you know you're in the wrong.
You'll go home and turn on some music. The genres jump between accurate representations of your emotions and uplifting soundtracks expressing how you should feel. Instead of a mood shift, you're stuck in the living-equivalent of purgatory. You feel no actual emotion but you still have tears and mascara running down your face. You stare at your reflection; not at your flaws but into your eyes. You look into your soul and wonder where it all went wrong, wondering what you could've done differently in every scenario. This makes you fall deeper and your chest tightens up and it becomes suffocating.
