My Reality
What depression really looks like: Dying to be happy.
I constantly move back and forth between lying to protect others and truth to protect myself. Most days I pick lying to protect others because it's worth more than me. In my opinion, everything is.
As I lie here I am trying to stay in the moment. I am reminding myself of "grounding" techniques, coping mechanisms, and the thinking traps putting me in this dangerous position once more. Nevertheless, the mind is a powerful tool, and not all of us can be lucky enough to have the tools to fight it.
People tell me all the time, "you know that's a sin, right?". No offense, but your prayers won't cure me. And how sad of a fact is it that that is no deterrence.
Have I brushed my teeth today? I honestly can't remember. It feels like maybe I have, but then again I haven't eaten today either...so maybe my mouth just feels like this because of that. I don't know. Did I ever sleep last night? What even is today's date?
I can see the warning signs from a mile away. I can see them and yet I invite them into my spirit with open arms, as if my body is a war for depression to win against...and that it will. By now I have memorized the texture of my ceiling after staring at it aimlessly for hours and hours a day. I have memorized where the wall art I hung in August casts shadows.
At this point, I am fighting back tears. The water filling my eyes is a shock to me; I thought I lost my ability to feel. My thoughts are caging me in and I am without a key. I feel like my words coming out of my mouth are void of sound...is that why no one is hearing me? Or am I really not producing sound? Or do they just not care?
I got another email. "Reminder: Your assignment is due within 24 hours." Hmm. What should I do? I felt my phone go off again..who is it now? I want people to let me go. Let me get to me. Wait. What time is it again? STAND UP. Put your feet on the floor already. God I need coffee. God.
*slice*
I've been pretty obsessed lately with rewatching Grey's Anatomy episodes and as I was watching, I heard a quote that I wrote down and have read many times over since I first heard it. It stated:
"Some of us say we'd rather have that something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is, to have it halfway is harder than not having it at all."
Sometimes I think about what it means to have one of those two extremes: to have it and to not have it at all. If it doesn't make sense, this is what I mean. In my mind, to "have it" is to be happy and "it" could be anything. "It" could be love, happiness, or life itself. It is to be fully accepting of the occurrences of my life and to have an understanding that maybe tomorrow could be a better day.
To not have it at all is just as simple as it sounds. It is also to be the opposite of all of those things. It is to be sad. It is to be non accepting of life and to have the mindset that tomorrow will be the same or worse than today, or even that there won't be a tomorrow. To have it halfway is to constantly go back and forth between the accepting and non accepting of life. It is to be constantly exhausted by the emotional rollercoaster.
To have something halfway is harder than not having it at all, and I would rather not have it at all.
I got out of bed today and I actually brushed my teeth. I forgot what that even felt like. I made it out of my room, too. Only to the learning space, but still out of my room, so at least I did that. Oh no, it's been 30 minutes and I'm already ready to go back. I am about to have an anxiety attack, I can feel it. Why am I like this? I'm going back. I'm leaving. I want to disappear.
I looked through my Spotify the other day and found that the only song that I've been listening to for three days is this one. Maybe it describes better than my words.
Finally back in my bed. It somehow feels different, like maybe it missed me as much as I missed it. I was only gone for 30 minutes. Will I ever be okay? I wonder if anyone just heard me yell into my pillow: "What am I doing to myself?". I don't know what to do. Should I call someone? I will never be good enough. I will never be worth loving or living. I need to ask for help.
