Wait you thought I was talking about the election? Nah dude, go ahead and click out of this now if that's what you thought was going on here.
What I'm here to discuss is the REAL issue facing Americans today--does #thanksgivingmatters ACTUALLY matter, or is it even a thing at all? This stunning debate has been sparking controversy, anger and protest rallies across the states. What it all boils down to really, though, is what holiday you think should be celebrated more. Who do you think is the real winner here? (And you all know it's Christmas, don't even try to fool yourselves, you turkey obsessed weirdos).
So let's break this down a little bit. Christmas is like the pretty, popular cheerleader in high school that everybody loves no matter how much you don't want to. There is so much hype and obsession about her to the point where you get exasperated and annoyed whenever her name gets brought up, and yet you still can't make yourself turn around and not listen. Why? Because she's just so. damn. fascinating. She is THE "It" girl. How is it physically possible to be that perfect? How does she get EVERYONE to like her?? Why does it feel like there's some kind of mystic glow that surrounds her when she walks into a room???
You see guys and gals, Christmas is the cheerleader. The cheerleader is Christmas. They're one in the same really because no matter how much you want to act like either of them aren't a big deal, they are, and everyone knows it. Christmas is Regina George. It's Lyla Garrity. It's Serena van der Woodsen. Christmas is the holiday of all holidays, so why wouldn't it want to show up Thanksgiving? As if another holiday even deserves to share the limelight that is Christmas.
Now, moving right along to Thanksgiving. Sure, Thanksgiving has a sob story, I mean everyone does though, right? So what if some pilgrims grew some corn all by themselves and ate some pie, or wore hideous hats because no one bothered to tell them what a horrid social faux pas it was. Did they have presents? Were there cookies set out the night before the feast for Santa to come snack on? Did they have stockings stuffed full of little goodies that topped off the day with perfection and happiness? I think not, sir.
Thanksgiving is like the head cheerleader's not so best friend. A frienemy, if you will. Because no matter how hard Thanksgiving tries, she'll just never be able to top Christmas. There's just not enough spark, not enough sizzle. Thanksgiving is the Gretchen Weiners. It's the Tyra Collette. It's the Blair Waldorf. Always the bridesmaid, but never the bride.
So back to the debate--well, is this even a debate anymore? I mean honestly, what more can be said?
Christmas beats Thanksgiving every time, dear friends. While Thanksgiving definitely has a role in the holiday season, it's the purpose of its role that always makes it come in second place. You see, all Thanksgiving does is lead up to Christmas. It's a motivator, a backup singer, the person who hands out cups of water during a 10k as if to say, "You're almost there! Don't give up!" Thanksgiving preludes Christmas, and will therefore never outshine December 25th.
It's got great food and a nice message, but so does Gretchen Weiners. And did Gretchen Weiners ever come out on top over Regina George? No--she found a new lunch table and ran back to her dad's toaster strudel factory. So, does #Thanksgivingmatters actually matter? Well sure, in a second hand, not-ever-gonna-beat-Christmas-in-your-wildest-dreams kinda way, of course.
Fear not great American people, the debate is over. Go in peace, rest your hearts and minds, and have a happy start to your holiday season.
