Since arriving in college, many new pieces of information have arrived at my mental and academic doorstep. Things like the Kinetic Molecular Theory and the Molecular Orbital Theory in chemistry fascinated me and explained things I didn’t know before. There was, however, one theory which pained my ears and, instead of knocking gently at my door, blew it down with a forceful and ignorant kick. This theorem is dangerous and I’d recommend avoiding it at all costs. This theorem is called the ‘Swiss Cheese Theorem.’

Before I start actually speaking about the Swiss Cheese Theorem, please know that I’m not referring to this Cornell paper, but something instead much more sinister. No, the ‘Swiss Cheese Theorem’ I speak of exists in revolutionary, excitatory whispered rumors in my college dorm’s halls and common room, and I have reason to believe that it exists in many, many other places as well.

If you don’t feel prepared to have your world turned inside out, please refrain from reading this paragraph (and the next one), as they will outline the very essence of the Swiss Cheese Theorem right before your eyes. The Swiss Cheese Theorem states with great conviction that the more Swiss cheese you have, the less Swiss cheese you actually have. It backs this great claim up by referring to the holes traditionally found in Swiss cheese (pictured below), claiming that more Swiss cheese results in more holes and, therefore, less Swiss cheese.

Swiss Cheese

The implications of this theorem are very alarming, as we might assume that, because more Swiss cheese results in less Swiss cheese, less Swiss cheese results in more Swiss cheese. This means that in any given space absent of Swiss cheese, there exists an infinite amount of Swiss cheese. As for the implications on the cheese industry, one can only imagine that it could soon literally disappear.

While I oppose this theorem—for the sake of the stability of the entire world—I have been unable to stop it from spreading amongst collegiate students at WPI. It might not be widespread today, but tomorrow we could live in a world with both infinite and infinitesimal amounts of Swiss cheese. The repercussions could be massive. The stakes are high.