Picture Made of Honor, the Rom-Com with Patrick Dempsey and Michelle Monaghan. That is the kind of friendship that has developed. They are self absorbed Quagmire’s going from woman to woman physically and sexually and you are planning your post-college volunteer trips that will take you across the globe, and away from him for a short to long while.
While you do not know per say if you want to move to another country, you definitely want to visit and help as many people there for as long as you can. Ludus love is one based on entertainment and excitement, they claim not to feel emotions and if they suddenly do, it is the end of the world and they have no idea what to do with themselves. They rely on you more than anyone, you are their rock and the one constant woman in their life that they can and do come to with anything and everything going on in their life. Emotions, depressions, anxiety, stress, horror stories of their escapades and validation. The ludus life is lonely without an agape best friend to rely on.
They love you, but you are about the only thing they claim to love. An agape lover is one that is selfless, egoless, you love humanity and would do anything in your power to help those either around you or thousands of miles away from you.
Oprah is a good example of that, especially when creating a school in South Africa or helping those who help others on her television network. All you want is to help others, but every now and then, it would be nice to know that your self-proclaimed ride or die does care for you more than the friends and lovers he goes through and throws out without a second thought. But you love them and want to help and be there for them as much as you can, but after a while, something in them changes.
And I wonder if you ever leave, if the summer would turn into a dream. You have a group of friends, that he has either slept with or doesn’t care for because he has screwed someone over in one way or another and he has a group of guys that he is with far more frequently than he is with you, but there is only one male that comes close to having the bond that the two of you share and even then it is established that you would be his best man. He would be your maid of honor. Or at least that is what was always claimed. Yet somehow you still have doubts he would do this to the best of his ability, at least not without an ulterior motive.
Weave like spiders, we are taught to cast thread into the dark. Some make anchors, most are slow to hit the mark. There will come a time where you are different and require different things. But neither will want to end the friendship because weird feelings and the sense that something is off, is not enough to end a friendship that you have both put so much time and effort into, to just walk away would be detrimental to both of you.
But there will come a lay that will intrigue him and he will cancel on you, without admitting to it. He will call you a priority while seeing her when he promised to hang out with you. He will cancel on you and a distance will grow, but if he succeeds or needs a shoulder, you will be there. He will be the Leonardo DiCaprio to your Kate Winslet and the relationship will not make sense to most that observe it.
Where do you start and I begin? I’m losing my best friend. The inseparable bond that you shared, that so many were envious of, is on the line. Is the sadness everlasting? Love I think it is. The months and years everyone confusing you for a couple, the long nights you spent explaining to your parents how the two of you would never happen romantically, now seems pointless as you cannot seem to exist at all, whether as friends or ride or dies, your love is seemingly dying and every time you bring this up you feel selfish and it is quickly dismissed. “Or is it just one of those days?” comes from his mouth every time you approach him about the changes and suddenly all of the work you have both put into each other is gone.
Are you complete, or is something missing? All of your insecurities that he has worked so hard to help you get over, now have a microscope over them and at his control. Soon you are being compared to those he is and would like to sleep with. And spoiler, you will never be as great as they are. Yet, he cannot seem to talk about individuals you may be interested in and if somehow someone is interested in you, that gets shut down immediately. They’re desperate, or reject them now, why do people think of you like that? Maybe because you said that I was of high caliber, but not high enough caliber.
Tomorrow may not come again. You’ve lived one hell of a life and your best friend, your ludus lover seems to be more trouble than they’re worth. But you will not cut them loose. You love them because they are human. And they need your help, you would never turn your back on them. Their happiness is more important to you than anything else in your life and you know that somehow despite everything, you are tied to that. But do not get bogged down. You are valid and loved. Each person you have or will help in your life is eternally grateful for your contribution to their life, please never forget that.
If you don’t like just what I do, do what you like so maybe then you’ll want me. Do not let them change who you are. This instance does not define you. You will survive your ludus lover and they will not change or destroy you. They are not your everything. You can learn to rely on yourself and dear, you are stronger than you think. You have a dream and goals and ambitions and while it said that all good things must come to an end, your desire doesn’t have to, as long as you accept that not everyone will accept you or your help and that is not your fault. While your friendship may falter, this is only the end of a chapter, not of your story.
Take the good times with you and learn from the bad and accept that you are very different people. If this fails, this not on you. This is just one of life’s cruel tricks. And if this subsides, then great and move on and be happy. But either way, you ludus lover does not define you. You are valid alone. Never forget that. Never forget all that YOU have done and accomplished. You are beautiful and valid and important and a force to be reckoned with. Do not let anyone change that about you.
