This is the most difficult article I’ve ever written. In all honesty, I don’t really know where to begin. I guess like most difficult conversations I just have to come out and say it, I have to rip the Band-Aid off.

I am a sexual assault survivor.

Just writing those six words brings back memories I never want to relive, but in reality, these are memories that I will never forget. While I’m not yet ready to share my story in full, I am ready to come forward as a survivor. I use the word survivor with the utmost emphasis. I am not a victim. I refuse to be a victim. I am a survivor.

Sexual assault is any involuntary sexual act in which a person is coerced or physically forced to engage against their will, or any non-consensual sexual touching of a person.

I have spent a great deal of time fighting with myself over this. I’ve consumed hours replaying the scene in my head over and over. For ten months, I’ve asked myself the pivotal question every survivor asks themselves, “Why me?” Why was I chosen? Was it calculated? Was it random? Had he been watching me? I have countless unanswered questions, and I’ve had to accept the fact that I’ll probably never be given the answers I deserve.

Honestly, I don’t really know how to proceed with this. I’m pissed off. I’m really fucking pissed off. I need to talk about this, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to feel. Other people don’t know how to talk about this with me. It’s messy and it’s confusing and all I’m ever left with is people telling me how sorry they are. I know it’s because they don’t know what to say and they don’t know how to act, but I hate it. Please, if you are reading this and someone has entrusted you enough to this kind of information, do not tell them you are sorry. You’re turning a survivor into a victim. If someone trusts you enough to share their story with you, tell them they are strong, courageous, and incredible. Then ask them how you can help.

Last night I attended a presentation on Drake’s campus called "Can I Kiss You?" a date safe project aimed at encouraging the conversation around sexual assault, dating, communication, and respect. His presentation was powerful, mind opening, and extremely refreshing. Pause. Think about that for one second. A presentation about the fact that rape is bad was refreshing. How fucked up is that? What does that say about our society that we need presentations like this? Isn’t it common sense that sexual assault is a bad thing? This is beyond infuriating to me.

To my fellow survivors, I stand for you and I stand with you. Whether you’ve already shared your story, or haven’t yet come forward, I am here for you as a friend, as an advocate, and as a sister. For everyone reading this, if someone ever sexually touches you, or already has, in a way that makes you uncomfortable, I will always be here for you. You are not a victim. You are a survivor.

If you or someone you know has ever been sexually assaulted, here is a list of resources to turn to:

Drake Students

Drake University Office for Sexual Violence - http://www.drake.edu/sexual-assault/

Violence Intervention Partner (VIP) Program - 515-512-2972

Polk County Crisis and Advocacy Services - https://www.polkcountyiowa.gov/cfys/services/crisis-advocacy-services/

National Resources

Prevent Connect-http://www.preventconnect.org/

National Sexual Violence Resource Center- http://www.nsvrc.org/

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence- http://www.nrcdv.org/ Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE

One in Four (national rape prevention peer organization)- http://www.oneinfourusa.org/

U.S. Department of Justice- http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/sexassault.htm

1 is 2 Many- https://www.whitehouse.gov/1is2many

Can I Kiss You?- http://www.canikissyou.com/index.html

SAFER Campus- http://www.safercampus.org/

No More- http://nomore.org/take-action/

National Alliance to End Sexual Violence- http://endsexualviolence.org/

Surviving in Numbers- www.survivinginnumbers.org/about

SurvJustice- www.survjustice.org

Start By Believing- www.startbybelieving.org

It's On Us- www.itsonus.org