Many of you probably don't know this, but Halloween is just around the corner. With everything currently going on in this country, Halloween has somehow become the least scary day of the year. Still, there are some things you have to watch out for on the night of too many frights. Whether that's looking both ways before crossing the street or having your Reese's cupbearer test your treats for shards of glass, we need to take precautions before we get tricked or treated poorly. So grab your sack and hang on to your goodies, because it's about to get real spooky in here.
Boo! Heh, you flinched. When you were younger and were still wearing clean pants, did your parents ever tell you scary stories? That old "don't go in the woods at night, there's a monster who doesn't wash its hands" yarn? Sorry kids, but monsters aren't real. Keep in mind the woods are still dangerous, though, and should be avoided at all costs. That's where Ed lives, and his story is much scarier than any monster tale. You see, Ed has not had a stellar life. Ed did not grow up with parents who could tell him scary stories, and he missed out on a structured life of nurture and education. Ed was orphaned at an early age because that's what happened to kids in the '80s. On that fateful Hallow's Eve, Ed's school was having a Halloween ball, and the parent-less Ed-boy was surrounded by kids and their loving parents having just the best damn time you could imagine. In a pitiful and jealous rage, Ed ran from the gym and bolted straight into the woods, never to be heard from again, but trust me he's there. Some say foolish children who venture into the woods on Halloween night must beware of Ed, for should they get to close to the abandoned refrigerator that Ed calls home, Ed will give them a rough time, jealous of their pampered lifestyle with parents. This just goes to show you, reality is often just as frightening as fiction, often more so.
To expand on the waking nightmare that is reality, watch out for harmful drugs, sharp objects or poisons in your candy. How can this be done? Give it a nibble, then wait 10 minutes, and if you still feel okay, go for another nibble. Taking steps to safely and slowly eat candy will also decrease the number of blood sugar spikes that come with consuming too many sweets, saving you from the very real threat of Type 2 diabetes. Is there anything scarier than insulin resistance? Alternatively, you give all of your candy to Matthew before you bite into it, his mom doesn't care. It is wise to bet it all on black by sticking with chocolates and your darker sweets so you can easily identify if anything looks odd. As per usual, stay away from white things, they are up to no good. Be wary of powders and Bottlecaps, they suck.
I've taught you how to protect yourself, but now we'll get into what's really important: Guarding your wallet. Money is tight, and the holiday season is a great way to blow a third of your income on unnecessary commodities. Instead of buying that really cool Sub-Zero outfit, consider making your own costume with less expensive materials. Hit up your local thrift store for low-cost fabrics and wigs, then hit up your brain for that creative spark. I went as a hobo one year, and it was the cheapest yet most profitable Halloween I can remember. Another wallet-friendly practice is to buy candy the day after Halloween rather than before. Going to Walmart the morning after to ravage bargain bins full of candy makes me feel like dirt, but the candy is dirt cheap, so I win. You can also opt out of eating candy all together. Too much candy can give you cavities, and the dentist is very expensive.
One final tip is to protect yourself from yourself, and to think carefully on your costume this year. This goes out out to all of you people that look like you've just seen a ghost. I trust some of you, but I'll put this out there anyway, don't dress up as anything culturally or racially offensive or insensitive. This should be pretty easy. Don't buy the "Native American" costume on Amazon. Don't use makeup or face paint to appear as another race. For example, don't do blackface, it's beyond awful. You can be Blade, (although you'll never be Blade), but believe it or not, you don't need to apply blackface to be Blade for Halloween! Maybe don't be Black Panther or Luke Cage, though.
While we're on the subject of bad Halloween costumes, consider not dressing up as an "insane psychopath" covered in blood that escaped from a mental institution or whatever. It's not very creative, and I recently learned that it sends the wrong message about mental illness when we use mental institutions as Halloween props or settings for horror movies. If we live in a society that portrays people with mental illness as violent or dangerous, would you feel comfortable seeking assistance if you or one of your family members needed help? Again, I recently learned this last Halloween, and I had not really thought about it before, so I'm passing this info along here. It's good to hear different perspectives, and learning is always nice. Also, don't dress as a hobo, as I did more than a decade ago. I wish someone had told me I was mocking homeless people and had educated me on the history and hardships of migratory workers, but I think I've learned my lesson since. And isn't that what Halloween is all about? If you want to learn more about offensive costumes, need I remind you the Internet? Ask for your parent's permission before going online, and if they say "no," move out and take all the candy with you, leaving only the Heath bars.
Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, but I'm less of a horror movie fellow and try to get a more Tim Burton vibe to my holiday. Less blood and gore, more skeletons and pumpkins. I love it so much, I might even join my snake person ilk and write about it again next week. Who the hell knows?
