Hello.

If you are reading this, there is a high possibility that you are a student and that you are, for the present moment, alive. You are a living, breathing, healthy (for the most part—cutting down on Chipotle wouldn't hurt), and able collegiate. Good for you.

The next few weeks, however, will test you. As finals week begins to approach, you will start to feel anxious, hopeless, and scared. You will start to question your ability to succeed in higher academia like your seemingly much smarter peers who, in every sense of the phrase, "totally have their sh*t together."

But fear not, because like all problems post-2006ish, they can be solved by one simple listicle.

Here is a fullproof guide to not dying or failing through your finals:

Step One: Develop an Attack Plan

Sit down. Think about all the papers and projects you have due during or before finals week. Write these down and mark the due dates on a calendar one of your relatives got you for Christmas last year thinking people still use calendars. Then, write down all the exams you have to study for and what your weakest areas in the respective courses are, so that you have a definitive idea of what to look over first when you begin to study. Write all of this down on a piece of paper. Laminate it. Finally, throw all of this in the trash and proceed to your third Netflix marathon

Step Two: Eat smart

By this, I mean plan out your meals so that your productivity is enhanced. Don't waste countless minutes in the dining hall gabbing with your buddies and waiting in the omelet line. Instead, buy a two-week supply of instant ramen and eat while you study. Bam: efficiency, check. Increased risk of heart disease, check.

Step Three: Sleep

You won't get much of it. Just accept it.

Step Four: Get outside for fresh air

Then quickly get the hell back inside because it is freaking cold.

Step Five: Knock out assignments first

Essays, PowerPoints, reflection papers, and other projects that are due during finals week, sometimes in place of an actual exam, are best completed before you begin studying. This way, you have everything cleared and out of the way for complete, uninterrupted study time.

Step Six: Go ahead—binge on coffee

Or whatever drink is your drink of choice when stressed out. Food binges made up of quick snacks from 7-Eleven are also great. Basically anything you can put in your mouth to soothe you as you are pondering the possibilities of failing a class.

Step Seven: Calculate how much you need to pass

"Oh, I just need to get a 300 percent on this exam to get a B. Great."

Step Eight: Cry

Play "Hello" by Adele several times while looking at all the work you haven't done, and just let it out.

Step Nine: Desperate email professor(s)

Office hours are over, the review session passed, and you still don't know what that one term means. Time to frantically send pleas for help carefully constructed to make it seem like you're not dying on the inside.

Step Ten: Set bedtimes before exam days

No matter how much more you need to study, it is never a good idea to deprive yourself of sleep the day before you have to take a test. Chances are, you will forget everything anyway. My point is: just give up and go to bed.

Step Eleven: Go to your scheduled exam(s) at the scheduled location(s)

These seems obvious, but sometimes the hardest part of finals week is actually going to the finals. Make sure you show up on time. Also make sure you go to the right classroom for your exam. Don't take a wrong turn on Academy Street and walk off a cliff instead.

Step Twelve: Walk in...

You've studied (sort of), you've done all the reading (sort of), you know all the concepts (sort of), and you are ready. Or at least look like you're ready.

Step Thirteen: And, after the exam, walk out...

Because no matter how badly you did, how many questions you didn't finish, or how far below the average your grade is going to be—you, my friend, have survived finals week.