I went to two birthday celebrations in the last two weeks and I’m not so sure I got the memo about how adult birthday parties are supposed to operate. Overall they seem innately different. I’ve noticed way less people are going to Chuck E. Cheese, for instance, which is a shame. I’m taking a look back at three of the birthdays I’ve celebrated in 2016 and seeing if I can figure out the status quo and then throw the greatest birthday party in the world next year.

Case Study #1: My own birthday

I’m a March baby and this birthday was especially complicated. I’ve been living in Los Angeles but basically all of my friends live elsewhere. I settled for having a birthday dinner in Irvine as a central meeting location where I invited people from work in LA County, college buddies from Orange County, and high school friends from Riverside County. I made a reservation ahead of time but they didn’t have it on the books when we got there, which was fine because most of my guests were late (but more on that later). We ate dinner, laughed a lot, and enjoyed each other’s company. Solid.

Takeaways:

• Pros
  • Birthday dinners will always be an elegant solution
  • There is a set time frame; as long as you’re paying, you can usually squat at a table for several hours if want to but the end is always in sight. This is great for introverts like me
  • Nothing to clean up; the mess is somebody else’s problem
• Cons
  • It forces people to go to a restaurant they might not like and there’s a pressure to buy food regardless if your guests like the food or can even afford it

Case Study #2: Joint Birthday Party

I received a Facebook invite for a birthday party thrown by two people I fell out of touch with in high school. Their only requirement was to bring booze. I decided I would drive back to my hometown for the night, catch up with old friends, and then crash at my parents’ place.

I waited for traffic to die down before leaving my place in LA long after the party started. I arrived at a big house in the suburbs two and a half hours late expecting the party to be in full swing. Loud hip hop music and neon lights spilled from the garage door that was cracked open. I knocked on the door and was escorted in to the garage to find that nobody was really there yet. Eventually everybody showed up and we disturbed a quiet neighborhood until 4am. It turns out that most of the guests were strangers, but the birthday girl just assumed anybody she didn’t know was a guest of the birthday boy and vice versa.

Takeaways:

• Pros
• Cons
  • Was this an adult party or college party? Our celebration was confined to the garage but the parents of the host (and their children) were just in the main part of the house chillin’ like there wasn’t a rager going on. Occassionally the dad would enter the party and grab a few slices of pizza and a beer, and towards the end of the night someone who I presume was the uncle was sent in to monitor us like a chaperone at a middle school dance. I didn’t mind any of this, but it felt like we were trapped between two worlds.
  • The party didn’t really start until 3 hours after the start time. Like what? I showed up really late and was still one of the first people there who had to awkwardly make small talk with the birthday boy who was already one drink away from drunk during that uncomfortable period of any party when you’re wonder if anybody is going to show up.
  • No cake.

Case Study #3: Hot Air Balloon Ride

I’m from New Mexico which, before Breaking Bad, was known most for its hot air balloon festival. Apparently in Irvine there’s a place you can just ride a hot air balloon because rich people. A close friend of mine wanted to celebrate her existence by spending some time at the park and taking a ride high in the sky.

I arrived at her house over an hour late. I have to drive really far to go to all these parties. Don’t judge me. Even still the birthday girl wasn’t even ready when I got there. We set out shortly after and what ensued is an article all on its own.

Takeaways:

• Pros
• Cons
  • We didn’t get to ride the hot air balloon. Nobody checked to see if it was open; rookie mistake.
  • We all fit in one car and when my introverted self needed alone time there wasn’t any to be had for hours.
  • No cake.

Conclusion:

Apparently being an adult means being late, even to your own party. As a former RA who has planned dozens of events, that really bothers me. I’ll have to get used to that.

After analyzing the adult parties I’ve been to recently I have some great guidelines for next yeah when I throw the biggest birthday rager the world has ever known fit for someone who loves being around people, but only in doses. Here are my top 5 tips.

1. Have a central location that people would be okay driving to
2. Have multiple activities, not just dancing, not just board games, but a combination for all types of people in attendance
3. Make it affordable for everyone. If we all spent $20-$30 every time someone had a birthday we’d all go broke, some quicker than others
4. Keep it entertaining enough for people that you can sneak away for a little bit to recharge your social batteries
5. Please, for the love of God, have cake