According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. They go on to explain that during one year, that statistic equates to more than 10 million women and men who become victims to domestic abuse.

To add to that number, we live in a world where everyone wants public acknowledgement of their scars. I've met several people who make up stories about abuse and other terrible things in order to receive attention from someone they admire. It seems everyone has an abuse story, and it can make it very hard for victims to come forward and share their stories and even to get out of the situation. Feeling like it isn't that big of a deal makes it very hard to escape the situation.

I was in a physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive relationship for nearly a year. I told very few people about what went on behind closed doors for several reasons. First, I didn't want people questioning the validity of my statements. The worst feeling in the world is to tell a person something very personal, and have them either share the information without your permission, dismiss it, or not believe it. I never told anyone because I didn't want to be seen as the victim. I've always been a very strong person. I'm the girl in my friend group and in my family that people come to for support or advice. I cherish that role, and I love when people look up to me. I didn't want that perspective to change because I wasn't a strong person in my relationship. I didn't want people doubting their opinions of me.

Hindsight is 20/20, but if I could go back, these are some of the things I would have done to get out of that situation sooner. By writing this, I hope it helps someone who is currently experiencing the things I did. I hope it helps you get out of your situation now, not later, and see yourself as someone of worth who deserves better and deserve it today.

Don't worry about what people think

If you're like me, you care too much about what people think. People who abuse others typically have to make up stories to cover up the fact that they are hurting someone. The person I was in a relationship with proceeded to tell everyone that I was an alcoholic who would drink and start demeaning him and hitting him and he had to hit back in self defense. He told his friends that I was crazy, and they all believed him at first. He would tell lies about why we weren't together. He would tell people I was cheating on him and kicked him out. He told my closest friends that I said horrible things about them behind their backs in an attempt to isolate me from my support systems.

He thought that would be an easy task, but my friends know me very well. They know I'm not a drunk, that I'm not crazy, that I don't have the time to cheat, and that I'm not ever a physically aggressive person. They know if I have something to say, I say it directly to them. It could have been very easy for him to isolate me from my friends if they had actually believed him. If this is happening or has happened to you, you have to rise above what people think. Don't focus on changing their opinions (as I found myself doing with his group of friends), just focus on getting out of the situation. In time, the truth becomes clear to everyone, and the situation will speak for itself.

If you're financially invested, cut your losses

In the end, my abuser made off with $4,000 that he owed me. I know I will never see that money, but a part of me stayed and was nice to him because I worried I would never be paid back. It may seem like a silly thing to worry about, or you may be thinking that the situation couldn't have been that bad if money is one of the factors that kept me in the relationship. Don't be fooled.

As a broke student working two jobs, every penny counts to me. I spent money bailing him out of jail and getting his car out of impound as well as paying rent solely by myself when he was fired from his job. I did this because a part of me still loved him, but a part of me also didn't want to endure him when he would get upset about not having his car or being indebted to people. These things caused him to drink, and when he drank he would break my things. On top of the financial debt, I've also lost a lot of furniture, a cell phone, and dishes to his destruction. It was an endless loop of trying to appease him and paying for things to keep him from being stressed, and gently reminding him I needed the money back eventually. There came a point in time where I had a good cry and a few good screams in my car, and told myself, "You chose to use that money the way you did. Cut your losses and run." It's very hard to go from a person who easily has $5,000.00 in savings at any given time for emergencies to someone who now has no savings and three-digit numbers in checking, but you have to swallow your pride and get out. It may be rough for awhile, but money truly isn't everything and those wounds will heal in time.

Trust your friends

I think of myself as a very intelligent person. In fact, I pride myself on my intellect and also on my ability to read people so well. I've always been very good at it, and I've given more than a few people second chances who truly deserved it, and they showed me how right I was.

But, being in an abusive relationship alters your head space. Don't trust what you say to yourself. Don't trust yourself when you say things will get better or that this is just a dark point in the relationship. If you have to listen to these internal conversations, that is sign enough that you need to run. Unfortunately, it's not that easy in the present moment, especially if you're an incredibly prideful person like myself.

I would tell myself that because I am smart and because I am a good judge of character, there is no way I could be in an abusive relationship. This couldn't possibly be an abusive relationship (I would say, even though I was covered in bruises and sore spots). My friends were the voices of reasoning I desperately needed but didn't allow myself to hear. I was afraid of judgment and ridicule from being the victim, and I couldn't allow myself to believe what they were telling me.

But your closest, truest friends know you better than anyone else. And if they are telling you someone is hurting you, believe them. If they tell you that you aren't smiling and your eyes are always puffy, that you're always tired, that they've heard the way he speaks to you and it's not okay, or that he's a parasite, then trust them. I love my best friends. They put my needs above their own several times during that year. They stuck with me even when I know they just wanted to slap sense into me. They listened to me, but they never stopped telling me to get out. I wish I would have listened the first time.

Don't let being a good person get in the way

Fight fire with fire. One of my biggest downfalls was that I thought reporting him was bad. Potentially sending someone to jail for years is bad. It is not your job to fix people. Do not think that you can bare the burden and get the person the help they need to avoid having them be persecuted. Do not lend them your ear when they are crying about how they mistreat you. Do not be fooled. Abusers feed on the graciousness of their victims. It is not always the case, but out of the stories I've heard, victims of domestic violence are generally very caring people who want the best for their abuser and for their situation.

Being a good person usually means being selfless. This is not the time for charity. Look out for you and only you in these times. Do not worry about the end result for that person, his/her family, his/her future, your friends, his/her friends, etc. Focus on getting help. Focus on healing. Be the most selfish that you can possibly be.

If you're a victim or you're in a relationship that scares you, find an advocacy program that can help you get out. Allow them to educate you and provide you with services that are beneficial to you. I wish I had not been so prideful during my ordeal because if I hadn't been, I would have utilized these resources and answered a lot of my questions sooner. If you have questions about your lease (if you share with your abuser), they can help you. They can have an advocate accompany you to the leasing office so that you can discuss the situation with your landlord. They have group meetings for victims, to share their stories in a more beneficial form that Facebook statuses. Never underestimate the benefit of having your story heard by an audience of very similar people.

If you need to take a smaller step, feel free to get in touch with me. Since navigating my way out of my own experience, I have actively searched for ways to help others navigate theirs. Starting next month, I will be working a hotline for domestic violence victims to call when they need help, guidance, or just someone to talk to. My inbox is always open, and if you were looking for a sign, this is it. Don't miss it.