Whole 30 is a fitness strategy that has taken hold in both my immediate community and in society as a whole. The idea behind Whole 30 is to limit your diet to certain “whole 30 approved” items so as to cleanse your body from the effects of unprocessed foods or foods you may potentially be allergic to. I have heard excellent things about Whole 30, and have talked to many people who claim that this 30-day cleanse, while not sustainable long-term is great for cleaning your system out and learning how to approach eating in a balanced way.

I have not tried this diet, nor will I probably ever be able to. A diet like this would be a slippery slope for me, a slippery slope that would probably land me back at Remuda Ranch. And to be very honest, being surrounded by Whole 30 lately has been incredibly difficult for me. I have spent hours yelling at God (and sometimes yelling at my poor roommate who is so very loving and patient with me) about how hard it is to fight constant triggers all around me, every day now. Because it used to be that I was only fighting the voices in my own head yelling at me about “healthy” vs “unhealthy” foods, but now I have to fight the very real voices all around me. And it is excruciating.

In my selfish heart, I would love to participate in Whole 30. In fact, the old me would have been leading the charge. The old me wouldn’t have made even one tiny slip up, and would have waved that banner as an enormous source of pride. The old me would have spent hours looking up Whole 30 recipes and blogs and loved every single second of it. But that’s exactly the problem. The old me would have become consumed by it. The old me would have lost all desire to focus on anything else in life.

Whole 30 would not be a cleanse for me, it would actually be the opposite. In a funny way, it would dirty all of the parts of my soul that God has worked so hard to clean.

At first I was angry with Whole 30. How dare Whole 30 barge into my life and undo all of the hard work that I have been doing to quiet my mind. However, slowly but surely I am learning to be thankful for Whole 30. I am being forced to solidify my own beliefs about what “healthy” vs “unhealthy” really means. Because “healthy” is different for everyone. For all of my beautiful friends on Whole 30, this cleanse is healthy because it is teaching them about discipline. It is teaching them to take care of themselves. It is teaching them to look to the Lord for comfort rather than food. It is teaching them to treat their bodies as temples. All of the same things that I have had to learn through my own recovery journey.

I was tempted for a time to ask people not to talk about Whole 30 in front of me because it is such a trigger, and there may come a point in the future where I have to do that. But as of now, I am recognizing how strong I really am. I have worked through a significant journey in healing from food issues, so why would I isolate myself from others who are journeying in a different, yet also strangely similar way? Because the truth is that so many people struggle with their relationship with food in some way, shape, or form. I am the last person that should shy away from conversations surrounding healing in this area. And in order to walk with others on their journey to freedom, I too must continue to walk in freedom. And for me, freedom means eating. It means eating with no restrictions. It means not labeling foods as “good” or “bad.” Or “healthy” or “unhealthy.” It means eating a bowl of pasta because I need to eat a lot of grains right now to keep my body on track. It means eating that bowl of pasta alongside my roommates who are eating Whole 30 salads and not feeling like I should go crawl under a rock afterwards. It means eating a bowl of ice cream because I am craving it. It means not giving into the temptation to jump on the Whole 30 bandwagon just because everyone else is doing it.

My friends talk about how great they feel on Whole 30. How much energy they have. How much life they have. And to be honest, the way they feel on Whole 30 is the way that I feel when I properly follow my meal plan. It is the way I feel when I fill myself with the proper grains and proteins and fats that MY body needs to function, despite the fact that most of those things are not Whole 30 approved. But I have to own who I am and what I need. And there is so much freedom in that. Freedom that leaves me able and willing to walk with others as they find their health and freedom.