NOTE: The following events took place at my niece's 3rd Birthday Party, between the hours of 2pm and 5pm EST.

The innocent and guilty are not protected, since I'm not...

2:11pm: Kids are rolling up here, acting like, "Eh, another backyard b-day party. They better have proper juice boxes up in here, or I am bailing on this."

Then the kids see the bouncy house and now they're up and wired liked they just walked in to Kim and Kanye's place with fountains of Cristal!

2:41pm: I swear that one of the kids in the bouncy house is screaming like Titus Pollo in the arena-"13!!!"

3:14pm: Just realized that with the tub of Capri Suns that's been put out for all the kids, there there should be shots of Vodka to go with them-for adults. Two great tastes...

3:20pm: First Child to Cry of the Day goes to... my niece! NOW it's a Birthday Party!

3:31pm: Titus Pollo is now amusing himself by playing with the t-ball set-pointed in the direction of the neighbor's yard. I see at least two whiffle balls go over the fence.

3:49pm:*wailing cry of a child*

Anonymous Kid: "Let's not play THAT game anymore!"

4:10pm:Family Friend That I Know carrying abandoned DC Super-heroine dolls, sees a pile of them on the hammock:

"Is that the Doll Hospital?"

"No. That's the Doll Whorehouse... It's hard out there for a plastic pimp."

I am now deemed either the Inappropriate Uncle or the Bad Uncle, but neither seems good to use as a title right now.

4:16pm: I watch in amusement as my nephew calmly walks up to the generator and shuts it off, allowing the bouncy house to collapse in on itself. Mayhem erupts and he's sent into time-out.

I need to explain to him the error of his way later: Not that he tuned off the bouncy house, but that he didn't check to see if there was anyone inside first.

Really, its the little things that count.

4:30pm: Cake comes out and singing starts. I get my phone one to record the whole thing. When I go to stop camera tells me I'm all set to record! Technology FAIL BY USER.

5:02pm: Parent and children have mostly left. While helping to clean up, I find a perfect tableau:

-A small plastic table filled with empty water bottles, a half finished Corona, and a tube of Neosporin.

I call it Signs of a Kids Birthday party...

Party is Over.