I shouldn’t constantly say I am sorry for everything. I shouldn’t constantly see myself as the one to blame in every situation. I should have stood up for myself. I should have seen that he was abusive. I should have known.
For the purpose of this article we are going to call our main antagonist X.
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X seemed like a fantastic guy when we first met. But most guys do, right? I should have seen that X manipulated others to get his way, but I only saw what I wanted to see. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
X was charming. He knew exactly how to get into a person’s head and just what to say in order to control every situation to be in his favor. He always made himself look like the good guy in every situation.
On occasion, he would not only mentally manipulate me but also use physical intimidation to get his way. X also often bailed on plans we had made and would make plans with people he deemed more important instead of being with me. It is one thing to do that, it is another to do that and then boast to me about it like he would. Saying things like “I know we had plans today but I can’t make it because I have a thing to go to with my team and if I don’t go then it will hurt the team bonding.” Said “thing” almost always turned out to be a party that I would see pictures of on social media later that night. I would often confront him about the parties when I saw incriminating pictures or videos of him at the parties. Don’t get me wrong, I am not the kind of girl that thinks my significant other cannot have their own social lives, but when Snapchat videos showing X suggestively dancing with a handful of girls, my feelings were admittedly hurt. I would say things to him like why can’t I come to one of the parties with you. You always seem to have so much fun, could I be your date to the next one? He would never answer these questions, he would just change the subject. Later it was brought to my attention that he never wanted me at these parties so he could be free to “interact” with as many other girls as he could when he thought I would never find out. Quite honestly, he didn’t care how is actions affected me. He was happy and that’s all that mattered to him. He has a girl to call “his” and lots of girls to fool around with on the side.
In one situation, I had set up a date for us to go on one weekend, and like usual, I got a text from his that he was canceling. I was very fed up. I asked him why we never saw each other and why he constantly canceled on me. X promptly turned the blame on me saying how I never worked with his schedule and I didn’t care that he was very busy and had a lot of pressure on him. Any time I tried to defend myself or point out that he never tried to see me and when I tried to see him he would cancel, he would become terrifyingly furious with me. He would then inflict some kind of punishment, generally yelling at me and scaring me to death, on some occasions he would ignore me (his longest silent treatment was a week), and on occasion would state “how hard I made this relationship” to which I was always too afraid to reply with ending it.
I would always succumb to his manipulations. I would apologize for “my” actions and promise it wouldn’t happen again. X would always act high and mighty while I was doing so like he deserved all the apologies I was giving him and more.
This cycle would go round and round. He would hurt me, I would say something, he would spin it on me, and I would apologize. Eventually I gave up. He had me believing that I was such a bad girlfriend that he didn’t deserve to have to put up with me anymore. One night I decided it was over and ended it. And even though I was free, the mindset he forced me to have about myself would stay with me for years.
Recently, I met a man, we will call him Y. Having to explain to him about my past and all X caused me to believe that still sticks with me, was painfully hard. Y didn’t say much as I told him, just silently nodding as I spoke. When I was finished he explained that he would always be there for me while I try to retrain my brain to no longer see myself the way X caused me to.
X had no consequences for his actions, but his actions affected me more than he will ever know. He doesn’t care about the pain he caused me or that he broke me, but I have people with me who are willing to help pick up the pieces and put them back together.
I have been through Hell, but I can see Heaven on the horizon. I can see myself slowly rebuild myself and my psyche to the strong woman that will rise above the horrors he put me through. I will not define myself the way X defined me, I will no longer be that scared girl. I am strong. I am important. I am loved. I am not defined by the manipulations he forced me to believe.
He will never control me again.
