I Was Knocking On Death's Door, But I Survived My Eating Disorder | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

I Was Knocking On Death's Door, But I Survived My Eating Disorder

A commentary on living with a chronic and deadly disease.

1193
I Was Knocking On Death's Door, But I Survived My Eating Disorder
Flickr Creative Commons

Think of a time in your life when you have persevered -- when your mental commitment to achieve something pushed you beyond your limitations. During your struggle, you want nothing more than to make it stop, to throw in the towel, to relax, to feel at ease and at peace. But part of you -- the part that overrides your inclination to listen to your body or your emotional desires -- that part of you says, “No, you can’t stop.”

Oftentimes, this ambition and determination is a positive thing, allowing you to aspire toward becoming the best version of yourself, convincing you of the need to achieve goals. But what happens when it starts to eat away at you? That voice in your head that keeps telling you not to stop will push the line between “driven” and “compulsive.”

When you fail, that voice becomes vitriolic, beating you down with the same determination it had when it was demanding you do those 20 extra push-ups, run a few extra miles on the treadmill or nix the 500 calories you allotted yourself for lunch.

Suddenly you’re down 10 pounds. Your knobbly knees protrude from the legs around them. The skin stretches across your forced smile. The voice wins again, but those 20 extra push-ups leave you exhausted, out-of-breath and angry at your inability to fight back. “I don’t want to,” will never overcome the power of “I have to.”

A lot of people will never know what it’s like to starve yourself, exercise compulsively for hours on end, force yourself to vomit after every meal or binge at the end of the day. A lot of people will never know what it's like to be pursued by insurmountable shame and guilt.

Even fewer people will know what it’s like on the other side of recovery – to fight back against that voice and win. And, eventually, to not feel guilty for listening to your body. “I don’t want to” becomes okay for today. You tell that pestering voice that it’s not an excuse, but rather an expression of compassion for yourself, your body and mind.

A select few will reach a point where they can consider themselves, for the most part, “recovered.” They’ll look like they’ve hardly struggled a day in their lives on the exterior. But, they’ll go to the gym, see the skeletal girl on the bike, the pale runner sprinting endlessly on the treadmill, shoes pounding rubber, threatening to snap those toothpick legs. These select few, like me, will get a lump in their throats, a sinking feeling in their stomachs and a twinge of jealousy and longing for a skinnier past.

“How did they get that bad?” you think, but then you remember how powerful that damn voice can be, how isolating it can be, how it can turn you against everyone you love. At my most desperate state of starvation, lying awake in a hospital bed with my mind racing, I felt alone, angry, rebellious, but also helpless. I was determined that nothing would get better, regardless of how many health professionals threw their therapeutic strategies at me. More than anything, though, recovery just took time.

I look back on my experiences with my eating disorder and, while I’m doing okay physically and my social and mental health have improved, I can’t help but, on occasion, let that voice infiltrate my mind. How nice it would be to not feel the need to exercise, how nice it would be to not have to think or worry or obsess over the food that passes my lips. I think that voice will always be with me. But, more and more, my rational mind is able to win those battles, allowing me to listen to my body more and enjoy what life has to offer.

If someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, it is imperative that you reach out. It could save their life or at least initiate the long process of fighting back against that voice. If you yourself are struggling, I promise that it is absolutely worth it to fight your demons -- you will be stronger for it.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Lifestyle

Bucket List To Live In The Now

Find excitement in your life and start exploring wherever you are right here, right now.

54
mu bucket list

I was sitting at my cubicle, now that I am an adult, looking at the rain pouring down on the windowsill, bumming on life, wishing for the rain to just stop for a full day.

There are moments where we count down the hours until work is over and how many more days till the weekend, and this many weeks until something exciting. Or something like that? Well, I was bumming because my next day off from work is not until Memorial Day weekend, which is not until the end of May. And since this is my first year out of college being a “real person,” I am totally missing the winter, spring and summer breaks. I am sure all of us have felt this way even if just for a hot minute…

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

11 Ways To Survive Finals As Told By Leslie Knope

Because you know you're going to be stressed out, and Leslie knows exactly how to survive.

96
Everything hurts and I'm dying

So finals are on their way. That's right everybody, finals are about to start.

But hey, don't panic. Start getting your affairs in order and prepare for a week of hell. Here's a few things Leslie Knope wants you to do to make your finals week just a little bit less stressful:

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

40 Perfect Gifts for 'I Have No Idea What I Want For Christmas' 🎁✨

It's a time of love, family, memory-making, and gift-giving. But also a time of stressing over the perfect gift.

117908
Christmas gifts
StableDiffusion

It's officially December. There is less than a month of 2023, and I still feel like yesterday was summer. Now comes the merriest time of the year, the Christmas season.

Everyone has been waiting for this time of year since mid-October (which is way too early, in my opinion) or before. It's a time of love, family, memory-making, and gift-giving. A lot of times when I ask friends and family what they want, I get a lot of "I don't know" or "I don't care."

Keep Reading...Show less
Kent State University
Great Value Colleges

If you go to or went to Kent State, then more than likely you have done or will do some of these things.

1. You’ve slipped and fallen on the ice at least once.

The winters at Kent are brutal, and while the heated sidewalks and some great snow boots are always a help, there’s no chance you won’t bust it on the ice at least once in your four plus years at school.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

5 Reasons Why Finals Week Is The Worst For People Who Love Christmas

Christmas is on the brain during the month of December, not finals! How do you expect me to study?

170
santa claus with red background
Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash

Christmas is literally so close. We can almost taste it. But there is just one thing standing between you and the big day: FINALS. It's not the studying, lack of sleep, last minute cram sessions or crappy food intake that is the worst... but the fact that you cannot focus because, well, CHRISTMAS. How do professors expect you to focus when Christmas is soooo soon. For all my fellow Christmas lovers out there, I feel your pain.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments