How to survive the holidays when you can't stand your family.
Everyone has at least one family member that they can't stand right? Well if you are like me you basically can't Handel all of them. Let's list a few.
The overachiever: everyone's favorite. This relative can do no wrong they are seen as perfect by every parent, aunt, uncle, and grand parent. Little do they know this poser used to beg you to buy the booze. Take you fake ass back to your perfect house with all the perfect décor. Good luck with your drinking problem in 10 years.
The black sheep: this is the moody younger cousins that has a stupid tattoo from a comic book or anime or something dumb like that. They wear all black and emo band t shirts. They are so deep that they can't hold a normal conversation so they stick to their earbuds and iPod in the corner. They will most likely major in something like computer engineering or video game developing. They will make more money than you but hey you are way better looking and oh yeah not totally weird.
The shit show: this relative wants you to think they have it all together. They very clearly do not. You are friends with them on snap chat you know what they do and how they roll. This delusional individual is a damn wreck and when asked how they are doing they reply “oh I'm great, work is great, everything is great” the word great is a LIE! They literally hate everything and everyone. This is the person that always says that they can't wait to get the hell out of (insert said town that is just so terrible) but they will never leave. They will die here.
The mooch: this is the cousins who has been in and out of jobs and is dependent on mom and dad or even better grandma and grandpa to take care of them. They are “just having a hard time” maybe the need to buck the hell up and put on their adult pants because this person is definitely over the age of 23 and it's about time that they acted like it.
The ultimate dirt bag: this is the felon of the family. Enough said right? Well this winner has been in some sticky situations and not learned from them. Runs with the wrong crowd and sometimes even brings them to family events. Every time it's a new friend and you watch them as they suspiciously look around for something to steal that's when your aunt goes to the room that all the coats and such are in where no doubt she is checking to make sure that everything is in her purse because she just “doesn't like the look of this young fellow that Jimmy has brought with him” she makes her way around the room encouraging everyone to do the same.
The crazy aunt: this is one of two women either she is crazy cat lady type or married to a man who is clearly over her crazy but has completely checked out about 10 years ago when the kids all moved out. The first is definitely less threatening. She is just lonely, surprisingly cats just are not doing it for her anymore. The latter is full on bat shit CRAZY. She is ultra paranoid and thinks that everything is a big deal, like that that the pot holders under the dish of cheeses potatoes
Your mom brought don't match. She is also worried that you will never get married.
The high on their horse aunt and uncle: they feel that while it is necessary to come to family gatherings it is also a must to make sure that every single person know how much better they are and by extension their branch of the family. They brag about how Jill just got another promotion at work and that they are so proud of her. Well aunt Mary Jill is sleeping with her boss and has a drinking problem but if you want to proud of that go ahead. They also ask you why your boyfriend didn't come this year? “ are you two doing ok? You know Alex has this wonderful friend we could set you up with.” Yes, my boyfriend didn't come to this circus one because I wouldn't subject him to this and two he didn't come because he hate all of you probably more than I do. Another thing he has his own family to see as well and his own crazy to deal with. Oh and by the way screw you.
While I have only named a hand full of the family tree you are bound to have at least one of these wack jobs at your holiday family gatherings. So let's talk about how to survive.
Come prepared to need a drink. Bring wine. Bring all the wine. Drinking wine at a family gathering is classy AF. You can't drink hard liquor in front of your sweet little grandma, but wine, wine is so fine.
Be ready for your cousins annoying kids to attempt to knock you to the ground upon arrival. Remember the 5 D’s: dodge, duck, dip, dive, and doge. And if the doesn't work “accidentally” just kick them in the face.
Have so good lies lined up for why you didn't bring anyone with you like a special someone. Like oh I he's not here because he is repulsed by that mole on your face. He's at his other girlfriends house tonight sorry.Or he's out of the country saving seals or something.
Don't bring in more than you can carry. In case you have to make a run for it only bring in what you need. So like a backpack of wine and your cell phone. The essentials.
Fuel and hydrate. Keep a constant flow of libations and a maintained graze of the food table. Keep yourself primed for any situation. Being in a fight or breaking it up, fighting off kids, or making a quick get away you need to fueled up.
Establish a safe zone. Upon arrival seek out your safe spot. This is a spot that only you know about. A spot that you can go to to just take a break from the party. Generally this would be any bedroom that's not the coat room, a play room, or a child's bedroom. The lesser used bathrooms work too.
I have outlined some of the most common types of family members and some of the ways to get through those horrifying holiday family parties. In conclusion good luck and my the force be with you. (The force is wine. May the wine be with you).
