In 1996, one of the most iconic horror movie franchises, "Scream," threw down the gauntlet by describing the clichés in horror films the characters could take advantage of to survive, if only they were aware of them. This has prompted a host of Internet articles, books, and even more movies like Joss Whedon’s "Cabin in the Woods" to critically examine the overused stock characters, dialogue, and plot found in the genre of terror.

However, I, in all my infinite wisdom, think there are genres of film that are equally, if not more dangerously, riddled with hackneyed triteness, and I would like to offer my services to the people who think they may just be a leading lad or lady in these films. And there is one genre that became so bloated with clichés that it actually died, but then started shambling and biting and trying to turn people back into watchers – sometimes even literally ("Warm Bodies").

Throw out your ice cream and put on your good clothes — this is Casey’s Survival Guide to Rom-Coms.

1: Start Your Day with the Right Music

If you’re starting your day with a pop song about how beautiful the day is and the potential is there for happiness, there is a lot of guitar strumming and an excellent drum beat and maybe it’s a particularly sassy song — STOP.

If you’re contemplating your life while walking through the streets at night, having just been told some incredible relevant information about your life, and you’re hearing a lightly tapped piano solo and you just want to stuff your hands in your pockets — STOP.

If you’re thinking you ought to go to SeaWorld and see all the orcas — STOP!

Chances are if you’re waking up wanting to groove, that song is already playing while the Paramount stars circle the little mountain for a movie named after that song: "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," "Pretty in Pink," "Pretty Woman," "My Girl," "P.S. I Love You," "Sixteen Candles," "Something to Talk About," "Sweet Home Alabama," and so on.

Make good music choices. Thrash, Def Leppard, Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, anything where the only emotion you can receive from the song is saying Fuck the Police. I think “Do the Right Thing” had the right idea.

Rom-coms are SO oversaturated with top 40 musical hits that you can almost predict which songs they’ll use. Sidestep this calamity by avoiding these and similar artists on your iPod: Diana Ross, Natasha Bedingfield, The Cranberries, The Police, The Pointer Sisters, Hall and Oates, Christina Aguilera, No Doubt, Snow Patrol, and above all else, Bruno Mars and Nora Jones. Bruno and Nora will kill you faster than a thing that kills you fast. Speaking of fast!

2: Avoid Physical Exercise

No I’m not saying this because I’m lazy, pshh…

For real, though, exercise is one of the easiest moments for a screenwriter to insert emotional context about your life. It’s a boring as hell activity, so it’s a “perfect” time to establish if you are emotionally distant, an utter romantic, or too focused on banging waitresses at Applebee's.

Any exercise you can do with someone else is an opportunity for them to talk about your character arc! Avoid that shit by never taking dancing lessons, playing football with your family, shooting hoops with your buddies, or the worst of all, jogging.

I once had a teacher who described jogging as the cheapest sport, because all you needed was a working pair of legs and good shoes. That’s true, but I would also like to point out that jogging is the cheapest for how often it’s used in movies to allow characters to communicate.

But the worst part about exercise if you suspect you are in a rom-com is that it automatically tells the audience your datability. If you are wearing the skin-tight sporting outfit, you just haven’t met the right person. And if you’re wearing those ratty old gray sweats to the gym, you’re only going to be able to date once you’ve been “fixed” via makeover magic.

3: Love Yourself

Listen, my potential victim of romantic comedy tropes and a genuine but misguided attempt at making women and men feel special. I’m sure you’ve heard this over and over again, but it’s important for you to hear it again if you don’t believe it. You are incredible. Really and truly incredible. You have the potential for so much, and it doesn’t even take that much energy to punch out anyone who suggests you get a makeover in order to impress someone.

When it comes to fairy tales, we all want to believe we’re Cinderella at some point, or at least that’s what Hollywood wants us to believe. And a large number of rom-coms based on the Cinderella story exist (including one called “A Cinderella Story,” but I digress). If you for any reason suspect that you are in a story that includes being brought into a world of money, fame, popularity, etc., and you feel like a misfit, ignore all calls from that friend that “just wants to help.” Tell them to cut that crap out if need be, because makeovers are deadly!

This is especially true if you are a high school student or work in the service industry, because, again, Cinderella, and it is especially common if you’re not financially well-off to boot. So I understand that it would be likely very tempting for you to take the makeover if only to get some free things. And that is your prerogative. But if you start showing off your clothing purchases to your rich friend or potential love interest in a montage with a pop song playing, you’ve only got yourself to blame. Oh, and don’t get rid of your glasses.

4. Be Selective with Family and Friends

They say that your social circle has a large influence on your personality. I agree. I also find that they determine how often you’ll get thrown into zany romances.

As far as your friends go, you need to be strategic. Most friend groups in rom-coms are either diversity phobic or diversity phillic. You have a diversity phobic friend group if you have a type of friend that fits into a broad stereotype, such as geeks, the rich, or Hawaiians. In this case, prepare to be pulled out of your comfort zone by crazy circumstances and fall in love with your opposite in every way.

If you have a diversity phillic group of people, you have a wide variety of people in your life. Which is good, but you run the risk of being a part of the Five-Token Band. This trope, which was particularly popular in the '90s and still maintains strength today, means that there is a least one of every ethnic or social background available in your group, and the screenwriter of your script filled his or her little quota on representation in your movie.

The trick is to make friends with as many people as you can, so you not only prevent A Princess and Pauper story, but a stereotyped piece of garbage as well.

As far as your family goes, you can’t do anything about your parents. I’m sorry, but they will either be terrible or wonderful, and you just have to make do with what you got. But, if you can, be an only child and prevent them from having any more children after you. If romantic comedies have taught us anything, it’s that younger siblings are free spirits who can get away with anything and are incredibly sexually deviant to the point of dripping in fluids wherever they go. They will also be unable to commit to any job or relationships and will thus become the foil to your no-nonsense attitude about love.

Take the condoms and just throw them at your parents.

In fact, just avoid children in general. Being a single parent or having a child present in your life means you are one step closer to having your love interest build a stupid emotional connection with the little snot. Ship the brat to the moon and be done with it.

And Above All…Become a Lobster!

…I just really like this new movie from Yorgos Lanthimos, okay?