In the grand scheme of things, I have lived for only a small blip of time. Twenty years is not a lot when considering a majority of people live to be 80+ years old.
So, what gives me any authority to be giving invaluable life advice? I'm only 20. I haven't lived by myself in my own city, let alone another. I have never faced any large scale adversity and operate from a position of comfortable privilege.
Well, now that I have disqualified myself to the fullest... listen to what I have to say. Trust me here.
Despite my outward appearance of cushioned luxury, I have suffered nonetheless. And I learned lessons as a result.
A year ago, my main priority was control as a result of existential dread and fear. Controlling my friends, my family, my boyfriend, my future was all I truly cared about. Not in such a way that would make other people think, "Wow, that's unhealthy," but in a way that would make people think, "Wow, her life must be perfect."
It was not until I completely broke myself down and suffered so endlessly at my own hand that I realized depression, anxiety, control, self-loathing and perfectionism are simply a result of fear.
Fear plagues our human consciousness endlessly, and in a less advanced society fear serves as a natural instinct. But fear rarely benefits us in our lives now.
The vocal minority in the United States seems to decry change and publicly embrace the repercussions of living in a fear-based state. Fear of minorities, fear of immigrants, fear of anything outside of a whitewashed picket-fenced neighborhood filled with cookie cutter families and chipper children. We live in a culture saturated with the black soot that is fear.
And what if I told you that every dream you have, every goal, every aspiration, lives just outside the border of fear?
I only learned this lesson recently when I observed my patterns of behavior from an objective standpoint. I would run myself into the ground making sure that everything in my life seemed "perfect" so that my future would also be perfect. I wanted to be one step ahead of the game and predict what was going to happen next in my life so I could always be prepared and always be ready for whatever life threw my way. I tried so hard to control others reactions and actions so no conflict would ever enter my sphere of comfort, and it burned my psyche more than anything you could image.
When I truly analyzed the unhappiness in my life I recognized that every single negative aspect stemmed from my own reactions and my own fear. I had created the perfect life on the outside but led an internal life of depression and anxiety due to my own fear — fear of the unknown, others' perceptions and fear of imperfection.
I will never be 100 percent "fixed," and every step I take forward, I am still plagued by the "what ifs" and the concerns of external factors I cannot control.
But my head hits the pillow that much softer at night since I have been armed with the knowledge that there is nothing to fear besides your own fears, and the only truly controllable aspect of your entire life is your own reactions to the paroxysms of life.
