Having awesome role models in the media!

We girls have so many awesome ladies in movie and TV to look up to! We all know Katniss Everdeen from "The Hunger Games." I’d list Tris Prior from "Divergent," but she’s a female from a dystopian novel, so she’s pretty much a copy of Katniss. Or, at least that’s what I’ve been told by multiple men who have neither read the books nor seen the movies, but I’m sure they know what they’re talking about!

Let’s not forget our lovely kind-of-not-really leading ladies in the Marvel universe! I mean, who doesn’t love Black Widow and Scarlet Witch? Sadly, they both have to carry around breasts and thus cannot support their own movie franchises. But never fear, they both have super awesome supporting roles in movies starring our favorite straight white males accompanied by unnecessary romantic plot lines!

Funnily enough, this leads us into our next fun topic!

Ruining men’s childhoods!

I’m sure you’ve all heard of the new "Ghostbusters" movie, and how the all-female cast is super terrible, and totally ruins everyone’s childhoods! Ah, what sneaky shenanigans this cast creates. Now, one may think that having all female ghostbusters would be a step towards equality, but you’re wrong!

Don’t worry, I’ll explain. Four males ghostbusters in the original movies do not equal four females in the new one. That’s silly. If we want equality, then that would be four males in the old one, and two in the new one with two females. Then we can have a grand total of six males and two females!! I know math can be confusing to us girls, but trust me that makes total sense.

Being “someone's daughter.”

This is one of my favorites. I love, love, love when men justify not harassing women by saying, “She’s someone’s daughter.” Obviously you can’t harass me because it would upset my dad! Golly gosh, go find an orphan girl to harass! She doesn’t belong to a man and thus doesn’t matter. Why on Earth would you be respectful to women because they’re humans?

Playing everyone’s favorite game!

I know at first you're thinking about Monopoly, but no! I mean the “Do What You Can To Not Get Raped” game! It’s super fun, and we learn it at a young age. There’re a lot of rules to remember, though. Never leave a drink unattended. Always take someone with you to the bathroom. Don’t make eye contact with the wrong guy. Don’t “lead someone on” by flirting, showing more skin than your fingers, being near them, breathing, existing. You know how it goes! Because if you do any of these things and are violated, it’s probably your fault for breaking the rules. Remember, always teach your girls to protect themselves instead of teaching your boys to control themselves!

Tricking boys!

Now this is a sneaky one! Us females get to use makeup to fool boys! We can put eyeliner and eyeshadow on, and boys will think we have blue eyelids! Ha, ha, ha, we got ‘em!

But be careful, girls! The boys are onto us! They’re whispering about taking us swimming on the first date, so they can expose our real faces. And since we all know that we wear makeup for boys rather than to feel good about ourselves, that we need to be super duper careful and never let a boy be aware of what we look like under that makeup. Look into waterproof makeup girls!

Putting on the brakes with boys!

We all get the same speech when we start dating. You know how it goes. Boys only have one thing on their minds, so you need to make sure you put up boundaries. Don’t let things get out of hand. Ah, I love being completely responsible for a relationship progressing sexually. Everyone knows that us girls do not have any sexual urges (that stuff is gross), and silly boys have no choice but to always try and have sex. It’s on us, girls, to stop things!

Don’t forget, no one will buy the cow if they’re getting the milk for free. Or, in simpler terms, women are objects for men to buy and you should thus shape your life to be at their satisfaction.

Working harder for less!

Every girl totally loves the wage gap! I don’t even think I need to say all that much about this one. I mean, we’re women. Why would we get paid the same amount for doing the same job as men? As I explained earlier, that’s not equality. That’s silly.

Now I know this is only a few of the many, many wonderful advantages of being a girl. For gosh sake I could probably make a list as long as the list of white male leads in the media, but who's got the time? Not me with all the time I need to talk about other people (my day job, of course, though, I only make 75 cents to every dollar a man makes while gossiping). And don’t forget that all this fun can be multiplied if you’re a woman of color or aren’t cis-gendered!! You go girls!