Hey, you. Congratulations. Today is Sunday. Or, if it's not, just pretend it is while you squirm through this list of thoughts that I know we all have when it reaches the bittersweetness of Sunday.
1. What year is it?
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You awake at the ungodly hour of noon o'clock, and your eyes rattle at the blazing sunlight beaming through your shades that do not seem to be doing their jobs as shades. It feels as if you have gone to a different planet (Saturday) and teleported back to your bedding kingdom to a time that is unknown (It's Sunday, guys). How long have you been sleeping? You have no idea. It's a Sunday thing.
2. Is it okay if I just stay here, in my warm, melodramatic bed, for the rest of my existence?
Now that you have maybe gathered the year, setting, and your personal identity, you exhale and realize that your bed is magnetic. You cannot move. It is a fact. Like Homer Simpson, you are a cozy sort of breakfast food and have no intention of becoming a mundane lunch food. Will you ever gain the strength to resurrect, or will you be deemed a missing child in 48 hours? You have no idea. It's a Sunday thing.
3. Give me a breakfast buffet right now, or give me death.
For some reason, breakfast is ten times better on Sundays. Professional specimens tell us that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, yet we usually overlook that idea six of the seven days of the week. Sunday is an exception. That rule is now the most important fact of the day. You need waffles, pancakes, bacon, omelets, hash browns, cereal, and all the good juices in your belly. And you need them now. Preferably in bed. Why is this so appealing today? You have no idea. It's a Sunday thing.
4. Today would be beautiful if tomorrow was not happening.
Although Sunday is considered a work-free, stress-free weekend day, it still feels a lot like Monday. There's a dread that drowns your day, because you just keep thinking about tomorrow. It's almost like a sickly sensation in your gut, right? But hey, it is not Monday yet! Tell that sickly sensation to get out of your belly; replace it with a lazy, I-am-as-peaceful-as-a-seagull-with-a-french-fry vibe. Why do seagulls like french fries, anyway? You have no idea. It's more than a Sunday thing.
5. I have to be productive, but I forgot everything I know about productivity. S.O.S.
You have maybe made it out of bed at this point, and you are now staring at your desk, contemplating how to avoid every task you must do to be a functioning human. Unfortunately, my fellow human, you cannot put off everything. It is okay to stand there, peering over at the daunting agenda with a double-chinned glare, for five minutes. Anything more than that and I'd say you should probably change positions. Why is work so much more workier on a Sunday? You have no idea. It's a Sunday thing.
6. I should listen to Jack Johnson and do yoga and maybe drink a green juice.
In between moments of complete laziness and dire eternal fire, there lay extreme motivational aspirations on Sundays. You get the brief desire to change your ways, to start over, to live out of an old Volkswagen van for the next few years to "truly find yourself." Juicing never seemed like the path for you, but suddenly you are pinning 33 different kale smoothie recipes on your Pinterest, and you have already ordered a Magic Bullet via Amazon. There's a freshness on Sundays. It's a new week! Will you make it? You have no idea. It's a Sunday thing.
7. Why do jeans exist?
Your legs, for whatever reason, cannot fathom the idea of tight, abhorrent denim on Sundays. To even attempt to slip on a pair of jeans on a Sunday is dangerous. You will get your feet in the pant holes and then face the risk of falling over into a puddle of doom. Jeans are hazardous to humans on Sundays, truthfully. Why wear leg prisons when you can wear leg pillows? (Sweatpants, guys. Just wear sweats.) Why can you wear jeans on a Friday but may projectile vomit if you do so today? You have no idea. It's a Sunday thing.
8. There's so much T.V. to be watched and so little time!
Football. The Kardashians. "The Walking Dead." Netflix. Every television show that could have possibly caught your attention is now on all at the same time (basically). You want to see an epic zombie battle and also complete an entire season of Friends today, and you suddenly have zero time. It is like the universe is out to destroy your utter joy and happiness. Luckily, we live in a world of DVR and the internet- whoa - and you can catch up quite easily. But it still feels like a treacherous task. Why is T.V. that much more entrancing on Sundays? You have no idea. It is a Sunday thing.
9. I think I should call my mom.
You are overwhelmed. You are tired. You cannot find your left sock. The only tangible solution to all of these problems is to call your mom. Your mother (or your motherly figure) will not only appreciate the sound of your voice, but she will also give you at least ten seconds of zen before bombarding you with questions about your left sock's possible location. She's there to listen, and you deserve to be listened to. Also, why can't you find your phone in your cinnamon roll of a bed? You have no idea. It's a Sunday thing.
10. I got this. I just need a nap first.
One cannot avoid sleepiness on Sundays. It is inevitable. You're in comfy clothes (if you're a normal person), you've been productive (you're maybe out of bed- hooray!), and you are about to start a new week. Naps are your best friends today. You need them to make the next seven days your best seven days of your life. So, wrap yourself in a plethora of blankets in an effort to resemble a burrito, play your favorite music, and recharge. How long will I be asleep? You have no idea. It's a Sunday thing.
These ten thoughts are bound to cross your mind today, and you are subject to being a lazy sloth as well. However, take a few moments to rejuvenate your mind and soul with positive vibrations. You can conquer today, and you can conquer this week. Hug yourself, hug a plant, and hug your bed.
