The greatest question asked—at least I have experienced—after my undergraduate years has been the dreaded, “So what are you doing now?” It is a question I have masterfully learned to avoid since, to be honest, I am doing nothing.

After graduation last May, it was pretty much acceptable that if you did not have a job or were not going to grad school, it was okay. “You’ve got time,” was common reassurance to those who had no definite future yet. “Don’t start working right away,” was also some wise words since finding a job is like selling your soul to the working world gods.

But as the summer months came and went, many of those people found jobs, they found futures, and found something to do in their lack of academic structure—unless those people went to grad school, which I don’t know how they do it right away. Though they might not have found an occupation before graduation, a dream for many undergraduate seniors, their adult life was falling into some sort of place occupation-wise.

I had dreamed that before Summer was over, a job would magically form out of the ground and *poof* employment would ‘just come’. After all, I had a science degree and a pretty decent resume. How hard could it actually be to find a job, amirite? That might be the millennial-thinking mentality—the “we deserve everything” mentality—but with everyone pretty much finding employment, the job search seemed promising. I decided to give myself much time in the process; I didn’t want to rush into a life that I was not ready for right after receiving my diploma, or rush into being an adult. The Summer months was a good amount of time—at least in my mind—that would allow me to transition out of college, and I was okay with that.

Now that Fall has come upon us and we’ve traded our beach towels and tans for pumpkin spice and hoodies, I am still unemployed. No, I do not have a job nor do I own a fancy car or my own apartment. No, I cannot pay off my student loans nor do I go out as much as I should in my 20s. “Enjoy not being employed,” is what I’ve been told by many people, but there’s only so much positivity in saying that over and over again until I really do need to get a job, and right now, that positivity is running out.

So exactly how does it feel to still be unemployed once summer is over? Let’s go over it…

I’m not going to sugar coat it, it really sucks.

I have to constantly remind myself that yes, Mona, summer is indeed over because it feels like it never ended. School was always the warning point that fall would start soon, but with school not in the picture, it’s a little weird officially saying ‘summer is over.’ It’s like I don’t want to believe it’s over because I haven’t reached my goal yet.

It feels like you have so much to offer in the world, but you’re trapped in your house with nothing to do; you want to give your life some meaning, but you’re stuck still applying to all jobs possible, just hoping to maybe, just maybe, get an email for an interview. In fact, applying to full-time jobs has become your full-time job, except it’s like an unpaid internship that you don’t put on your resume. Your bank account will forever be going down and hopefully, it won’t ever go in the negative from all the ice pops and bottles of wine you’ve been buying to keep yourself occupied. Life, which used to be hustle and bustle, quickly turned into a waiting game. There’s no school, there’s no structure… I have to build this new structure, but it is taking much longer than I thought.

Coming out of college was a hard transition to begin with, and for me it was very much a huge struggle; a daily planner filled with student leadership duties and after school activities quickly turned into a life of “Price is Right” and long dates with my couch under a Snuggie. A life filled with constantly being surrounded by friends, parties, and enlightening conversations turned into a life of silence, lack of involvement, and loneliness. For a very extroverted person like me who constantly needs social stimulation, living like this has been a nightmare; I never knew how it felt to not have friends within close proximity or to not have extra-curricular activities. It almost feels scary how I haven’t been able to talk to other people on a constant basis and it is a new norm that I am just starting to get used to.

I know people say that once you start working, you will work forever; if I could travel the rest of my life and not have to work, I am all for it. But to be honest, I don’t want to start working for the sake of working. I want to start working so I can feel independent again. I want to start working so I can feel like I’m accomplishing life again.

Are you unemployed too? Know someone who would hire me? Comment below! I’d love to know how you feel!