Alright, let me know if you can relate to this. Life is too easy going right now for me to be comfortable with it and I am very much freaking out at every waking moment because of that. Let me give you some background.
The month of June is coming to a close and it has been about six weeks since I took my last final in the spring semester. I always thought that in the summer, I would be able to do the things that I didn't have time for during the semester. But six weeks have passed and I feel like I've accomplished little to nothing.
I thought if I could write multiple papers in a couple of hours during the semester, then with all the free time in the summer, I could learn a new language or direct a short film or cook a new meal for myself every time my belly growled. I feel like I am only now capable of going to bed at three in the morning and then waking up for lunch.
But I shouldn't be complaining. I should be having fun. I should be proud of myself. I have an internship, I hang out with friends, I talk to my family and I spend hours watching funny YouTube videos. I should be bathing in the glory of my mostly languid lifestyle. But I really feel unfulfilled and I lack the motivation to change anything. I'm so afraid of wasting my time watching YouTube videos that I freak myself out but then watch more YouTube videos to calm myself down. It's quite the vicious cycle.
The change from overwhelming myself during college to having almost no deadlines during the summer is really throwing me off. I feel like I need to stuff in as much productive activity into every hour to feel okay but I am unable to do that because there's no strong need for me to. It's not like I'll be marked absent if I sleep through breakfast. It's not like I'll get a bad grade if I don't eat lunch or clean my room.
Without having the fear of deadlines or repercussions, it's difficult for me to be satisfied. This summer, it seems like my greatest fear is my lack of fear.
