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This Was My Second (And Last) Suicide Note

A very special person intervened that night.

Amber Marie Edick

Nov 02, 2016

University of Minnesota Morris

364

This Was My Second (And Last) Suicide Note

Angela Feather

This was written on 10/11/16 at 11:15 pm, right before attempting suicide. These thoughts are the kinds of thoughts that run through my head when my passive suicidal thoughts become active ones, and I feel as if I have no one to go to. I'm glad my attempt failed and that my best friend was there to help me.

Why was I born?

Was I really “the sperm that won?”

What is the purpose of life anyway?

Are there sperm that hate me?

Does everyone hate me?

Do I hate me? I know I do.

Is a life of debt and chronic depression a life worth living?

I push everyone away and expect them to come back when I need them the most.

Why can’t I just get out of bed?

There are so many people on this planet with the exact same diagnoses as I, yet with more drive and motivation to keep going.

My parents and friends have exhausted their resources and emotional support to help me.

I’ve been hospitalized twice this year. If treatment can’t help me, there’s not much left that can.

That's why I'm about to end all of this pain and suffering I've put on my family and friends. Maybe if I cut deep enough, I'll sever the radial artery. God I hope so. I can't take anymore of this. I've been told I'm selfish and suicide is selfish, but I guess this is it; they both go hand-in-hand.

All I know right now is that I’m helpless and no one wants to help me anymore.

I'm physically and mentally repulsive

I use my friends too much for emotional support and cry when they withdraw that support, like a toddler who can't get her way.

All in all, I'm a stupid 19 year-old alcoholic.

A waste of talent.

A waste of brains.

A waste of space.

I don’t belong here.

This is a picture of me (right) and my best friend Melissa (left.) She's the angel that saved my life that night and I will never be able to repay her for all she did for me.

I love you with all my heart, Melissa. I'm so glad I have you in my life. We're partners-in-crime 'till the day we die.

If you're having thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Line at

1-800-273-8255.

Just remember that you are loved.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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This Was My Second (And Last) Suicide Note

A very special person intervened that night.

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Syllabus week doesn't exist.

All names should be "unisex names."

1. Communicating via email can be awkward.

2. Appointments usually accompany weird looks.

3. Introducing yourself to someone is never without a hitch.

4. You’ve probably thought about changing your name.

5. You’re often asked why you have the name you do.

6. You get excited when you meet someone of your gender with your name.

7. You feel awkward when you meet someone of the opposite gender with your name.

8. You’ve had someone say to you, “I knew a [your name], but they were [your opposite gender].”

9. You’ve heard a bad joke/pick-up line or two about your name before.

10. People are surprised when they see you.

11. You’re extra sensitive to other unique or unisex names.

12. You’ve fought with your parents about it.

13. All things considered, you’re happy your name makes you unique.

You know that all of these things apply to you. You'll just never tell.

I get it... I'm pale.

1. At least I can't lose you in a crowd!

2. Oh my goodness your skin is like glow-in-the-dark.

3. Can't you just get fake tan?

4. Do you tan or just burn?

5. Your kids are going to look like Casper the Friendly Ghost!

6. *holds arm against your arm* Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. *holds pale arm against another pale arm* Aw, at least you're darker than her!

8. I laid out by the pool almost every day over break!

9. I haven't used sunscreen since I was, like, five.

10. *adjusts selfie lighting to their face* Oops, where'd you go??

11. *after working out* Your face is SO red!

12. *wears white* Look! You're all one color!

13. You need to get some sun.

14. Aren't you excited for summer?

The struggle bus is real.

1. Child prodigies:

2. Hearing other musicians in the practice room next door and accepting that you will never be as talented as them:

3. That anxiety that takes over before every performance:

4. Taking a million 0 credit classes:

5. When there's a paper due the next day, but you have to attend yet another concert in order to pass a 0 credit class:

6. When your friends try to encourage you after a performance, even though you are criticizing everything in your mind:

7. Knowing that there's always that one professor during juries:

8. The oh-so-attractive band/choir uniforms:

9. Realizing that a college campus is maybe not the best atmosphere to finish your latest composition:

10. Hearing "Oh, you sing opera? I LOVE Phantom of the Opera!" for the hundredth time:

11. When people think finals week is a breeze for you.

12. When you're drowning in the stress that comes with 18+ credits (and not to mention all those 0 credit classes) and people ask you how you are:

13. When it all comes down to it, though, you know that at the end of the day, music is your passion:

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6. holds arm against your arm Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. holds pale arm against another pale arm Aw, at least you're darker than her!

10. adjusts selfie lighting to their face Oops, where'd you go??

11. after working out Your face is SO red!

12. wears white Look! You're all one color!