This was written on 10/11/16 at 11:15 pm, right before attempting suicide. These thoughts are the kinds of thoughts that run through my head when my passive suicidal thoughts become active ones, and I feel as if I have no one to go to. I'm glad my attempt failed and that my best friend was there to help me.

Why was I born?

Was I really “the sperm that won?”

What is the purpose of life anyway?

Are there sperm that hate me?

Does everyone hate me?

Do I hate me? I know I do.

Is a life of debt and chronic depression a life worth living?

I push everyone away and expect them to come back when I need them the most.

Why can’t I just get out of bed?

There are so many people on this planet with the exact same diagnoses as I, yet with more drive and motivation to keep going.

My parents and friends have exhausted their resources and emotional support to help me.

I’ve been hospitalized twice this year. If treatment can’t help me, there’s not much left that can.

That's why I'm about to end all of this pain and suffering I've put on my family and friends. Maybe if I cut deep enough, I'll sever the radial artery. God I hope so. I can't take anymore of this. I've been told I'm selfish and suicide is selfish, but I guess this is it; they both go hand-in-hand.

All I know right now is that I’m helpless and no one wants to help me anymore.

I'm physically and mentally repulsive

I use my friends too much for emotional support and cry when they withdraw that support, like a toddler who can't get her way.

All in all, I'm a stupid 19 year-old alcoholic.

A waste of talent.

A waste of brains.

A waste of space.

I don’t belong here.

This is a picture of me (right) and my best friend Melissa (left.) She's the angel that saved my life that night and I will never be able to repay her for all she did for me.

I love you with all my heart, Melissa. I'm so glad I have you in my life. We're partners-in-crime 'till the day we die.

If you're having thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Line at

1-800-273-8255.

Just remember that you are loved.