I cannot seem to keep my head above water. I'll be there existing then without warning, the water is filling my lungs. I am drowning and completely unaware of how I got there.

And then, I'm not even in the water.

I am not drowning.

All of this imagery is a noose around my brain cutting off circulation from my sense of reality to insanity. My mind is pulling at the noose and tightening it around my neck. I see my arms reaching for it but then it whispers, "why? Why should you go on? Who do you think you are fighting me? I OWN YOU. I AM YOU."

I cry and the voice in my head tells me the only comfort is in trusting myself...

take the gun

don't slow down

stop eating

stop breathing

die.

When I find my voice and shush my mind by screaming, it only withers away for a while. It flares up and again I am crying in the middle of a workday. I am anxious when I pee. I am sad when I eat. I am angry when I run. I am ALWAYS fucking FEELING something. AND when it's a good feeling, I do not trust it. I am in pain 24/7 and I feel like every lasting moment of happiness or peace is just a ticking time bomb until the next wave hits me.

I am trying to do the thing where I "stay positive" and put face masks on but, I really just want to put a face mask on my brain. Can I please purify my mind instead of my pores for a second?

I have to tell myself things that I don't hear other people say. What's it like to not cry every day?

How does it feel to not feel everything?

Is it amazing knowing you are loved?

How do I get to where you are when I have an anchor around my neck making sure I drown, even when I try to swim.

I fight to stay alive and I am tired.