I have never attempted suicide, but I have thought about it countless times. Now, I am finally outing myself as I am not the most mentally stable person. I share this in the hope of becoming one.
My suicidal thoughts have followed me since fourth grade and over the years, have metamorphosed into one of those gloomy, abstract cartoons featured in commercials selling antidepressants. My suicidal thoughts and I are the best of frenemies.
I've always reasoned with myself and these thoughts that I don't deserve to kill myself. That's why I never acted on these thoughts, why that sad antidepressant commercial cartoon character never won. I have reiterated to myself and my cartoon friend numerous times now that I will die when I'm supposed to. For years now, I've been debating with myself whether it's worse to kill myself or to wait for something else to kill me. Is it worse to die actively now or die passively later?
I know I shouldn't keep these thoughts, but I don't want to lose these thoughts either, because it's hard to no longer care for something—no matter how destructive it may be, especially when it's been around for years. I've become very close with these thoughts, so please excuse my lack of urgency to let them go. It's extraordinarily difficult to just forget a part of yourself.
I've struggled in silence for 11 years now, and my thoughts and I are the only ones to blame. I can't blame my environment without feeling guilty because that wouldn't be accurate. My life, my family, friends, home, school and general surroundings were and continue to be constructive and inclusive. My mind, my thoughts and I are just a little feeble and problematic at times.
I'll have bad days and good days just like the next person. The only difference between that person and me, is that my bad days are accompanied by a rain cloud and a depressed caricature used to advertise Abilify. But my suicidal thoughts do not make me less of a person or less capable, they just make the bad days worse.
But, with this article, I am starting my project in self-development and mental health improvement. I pledge to not befriend, embrace nor surpass my suicidal thoughts, but to build from them. I will recognize the differences between my good days and bad days and will work to create more of the good ones.
P. S. - If you don't have suicidal thoughts, you probably know someone who does. Just be an understanding and comforting friend when you need to be, there's no need to push or pull.
P. P. S. - If you do have suicidal thoughts, I am right there with you. I want you to know that there is at least one other person out there that can sympathize—you are not alone.
