I can't remember the first time I felt pain. I can't remember the first time I cried or even what made me cry. I can't remember the first time someone made fun of me. But I can remember the first time it all seemed too much to handle. I was lying on the floor, sobbing, thinking that everything was too out of reach to regain control. Feeling alone, disappointed and empty, I remember the first time I wished I could fall asleep and not wake up. I remember thinking if I could just hit my head hard enough on the floor, everything would go away. That feeling is one I will NEVER forget. I could feel the anger fill inside me, the coldness of my tears running down my hot cheeks and the scars on my knuckles from rubbing them together so hard I took off the first layer of skin. I wondered what would happen if I did not wake up. Would my parents understand that I wasn't okay? Would my ex-boyfriend realize that he broke me into more pieces than he can ever comprehend? Would someone understand that the pressure of being a great student, athlete and friend is all too much? Could someone look me in the eye and finally understand that under all the smiles there was a hurt girl. A girl scared to wake up every morning. A girl scared to walk across her college campus. A girl who is never really sure of what tomorrow brings. That I am just a girl.
I am certain that this feeling will come again. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for a week, but it will come. When it does and I can feel my whole world crashing down as I close my eyes hoping to never have to open them again, I remember that even my worst days are only 24 hours. The sun will rise every morning and I must rise as well. Each time I decide to get up and face my fear of walking to class or go to the dining hall, I grow. I can pick myself up off the floor, wipe my tears, stretch out my neck and move forward.
To those struggling with suicidal thoughts, you are not alone. I understand what it feels like to have nothing left. Although I understand how you are feeling, I am still alive today. I am pushing through all the craziness life decides to throw at me, and you can too. This is your reminder to hold on, that it will be okay and you are never ever alone in the fight. The feeling will pass and soon you will be loving every second of the days you live. Just breathe and keep fighting, we will get through it together.
