I tend to think pretty selfishly.
That sentence can be understood in a variety of different ways and, based on your opinion of me, I guess your interpretation of it can differ as well. But what I meant by it is that I can think in terms of being the only one to feel, the only one who could possibly understand my situations and experiences; that there's something wrong with me for being socially awkward and that I'm the only one who deals with it.
Pausing for a minute here: I hate the term "socially awkward." I don't tend to think of myself as "socially awkward" because for me it's more like... "socially frustrated." What I mean is, that I'll get into a social situation, start thinking too much about what's going on, and then get frustrated with myself and usually leave.
Looking back on these circumstances, it's easy for me to identify the problem: I'm looking at myself too much. Even when I'm worried because of the presence of other people, I'm worried about what those people are thinking about me.
The past few days have been reinvigorating to me; I've felt a sense of renewal of spirit and a healing and peace that is nothing short of amazing. However, it has been a wild ride to get here and upon feeling good again for the first time in a long time, I've come to realize and appreciate the road for what it was.
Seeing suffering as transformative has been eye-opening for me. Oftentimes we drift through the waves of life like a baby just learning to float. As the waves approach, our hearts race and we aren't able to push ourselves to learn how to swim. The approach should instead should be like a surfer...standing up and approaching the waves, learning to ride them and conquer them instead of curling up and crying when they come crashing down toward us. Even though in the midst of it all they make us feel weaker, the waves actually make us stronger.
No matter what your wave is, it is imperative that you don't see it as the end. I cannot look at my selfishness and my ability to turn every situation into something about me and say to myself, "You're selfish and horrible, you're never going to change!" (I've been there and it's no fun) There needs to be an attitude of challenging the things that are holding us back and keeping us down when they are acknowledged.
It's difficult, it's pretty gross, and it makes me uncomfortable. It will be like any good workout. It's going to hurt, I'm going to sweat and eventually stink, and I'm going to have to stretch myself to the brink of exhaustion -- but I will come out better for it.
Suffering has brought me to a place of submission. From the idea of taking on everything in my own hands and feeling as if I will have it all figured out, I was brought to my knees. I realized I could not do it alone anymore. I felt as if all the things in my life -- school, work, relationships, all of it -- were weighing on my shoulders and that I had to be the one to take care of it. Submitting my life to God has been the most difficult but rewarding challenge to me thus far in my life.
For a while, I had an attitude of defeat. I was going to suffer forever. I felt as if the struggle itself was pointless, and that my struggle proved how useless I was, especially to the kingdom of God. How could God use someone as vile, as weak as me? My mindset was warped and angry and I felt as if the backslide was permanent and I was never going to face God again. I turned my back on my faith, doubting that I would ever have victory over my anxiety or depression.
Laying all of my anxieties and problems at Christ's feet meant losing control. But the pure irony is that I'd already lost control once the anxiety set in... and giving all of that heartbreak and melancholy to God is ultimately restoring control to my life. Why did I believe that I knew what was best for me more than the God who created me? Even in my defiance toward God, He kept on loving me anyway and pulled me out in a way that can only be described as victorious. He will carry me so that I can conquer the battles that lie ahead.
Without the anxiety or the depression, I would never have seen how much I truly needed to rely on God. I believe that throughout life, we will be pushed to different limits and it's a testing period for us. Things are not always going to be rosy, even for believers. But having an attitude of transformation and hope in the face of it will make the struggles worthwhile despite the pain. I truly believe that I will be able to use my struggles with depression and anxiety to help others, whether consistently in the future or even in just one instance. God will use anything for His good works and I believe that there is a purpose to it all, not just for own my own spiritual and self-growth, but for the sake of the community around me. What a way to conquer the selfishness I feel in myself, too--to be used as a vessel for Christ's work, and a reflection of His purely selfless love! I have faith in God's promises.
Whether you're struggling with anxiety, depression, physical illnesses, or even social awkwardness or as I like to call it "frustration"... there is hope. It's not the end of the world. Sometimes we just need to take a deep breath and see what could come of it. Keep your head up if you're in the struggle and know that God's purpose and love for you is greater than any of the pain you feel!
