If you're reading this, it's probably because you're my relative or friend who feels obligated to click on my articles. Thanks, mom! Otherwise, you might have googled "how to for jobs" or "how to get a job." If you're in this second category, congratulations. You've stumbled upon the most useful job search article on the web.
What are my qualifications for writing this guide? I have an impressive amount of experience in searching for genuine job experience.
1. Make a résumé.
You're going to need one of these bad boys to apply for all the cool jobs. Jot down all the jobs, coursework and achievements you can think of and try to organize them in a cohesive way.
2. Make your résumé look cool.
Well, you can't just type up your résumé in 12-point Times New Roman with an MLA header like every other document you've composed in the past 10+ years of school. Maybe you could Google some résumé templates. Or Google image search "résumé example."
3. While you're on the internet, you might as well watch some YouTube videos. You could just leave the playlist on for background noise.
Did you know that almost every episode of Kitchen Nightmares is on YouTube? You're welcome.
4. Download a few different resume templates.
Copy and paste your info into these templates just to test them out. Try out a few different color schemes, too.
5. Show those employers that you're a catch. Fluff that résumé. Don't lie, just choose better words.
Assisted the lead researcher? No. SIDEKICK TO RESEARCH EXPERT.
6. Compose your cover letters.
Alternatively, only apply for jobs for which the cover letter is optional.
7. You've earned a few full-attention episodes of Kitchen Nightmares...
... or a whole season of Bob's Burgers on Netflix.
8. Calculate how much money you will likely spend on the essentials to determine your desired salary.
Food, rent and your Netflix account.
9. Log into all of the job board websites at once and click all of the "apply with one click" buttons.
You've just applied for 30 jobs! You've been so productive!
10. Maybe switch from your television show of choice to this perfectly curated playlist of meme videos.
There are only over 300 videos. You've earned this break.
11. Realize it's already 1 a.m. and you've exhausted yourself by spending the entire day diligently searching for employment. Time to hit the hay!
You'll have to be well-rested to respond to all of the job offers that'll start rolling in. First order of business tomorrow: constantly refreshing your email feed.
In all seriousness, I understand the job search process is stressful. Some days, this is the exact regime I follow. Just know that when you're refreshing your email while standing in line for your coffee, I'm doing the same thing. You aren't alone, buddy. We're all trying to be adults here. Let's go get those jobs!
