Thanksgiving is just around the corner and if you’re anything like me, you can’t stop thinking about the cultural genocide it represents. If you’re like most of the rest of America, you’re not thinking that. You’re neck deep in the season of listening to your racist aunt/uncle talk about “taking the country back” and BLACK FRIDAY DEALS RIGHT NOW LOWEST PRICES EVER HURRY OR YOU’LL DIE WAITING IN LINE.

So, in the spirit of family and giving thanks and SWEET DEALS, I’m going to help you have a successful Thanksgiving in a few simple, free and easy steps. No lines, no assembly.

Step One: Don’t Complain (Unless You Brought Food)

If you didn’t bring anything to the feast, you don’t get to complain about said feast.

Simple as that.

I don’t care if the mashed potatoes are colder than your heart or if the turkey is so undercooked it tastes like a bar of soap, if you don’t contribute you just have to sit there and eat it and like it.

Also, no, beer does not count. Lazy.

Step Two: Don’t Drink

I know it can be tempting to drink while at Thanksgiving, but you really shouldn’t. Aunt/Uncle Racist is going to down whiskey like it’s a holiday and you should be totally sober to counteract his/her foolishness.

The last thing anyone wants is to watch you and your aunt/uncle slur back and forth about The Donald. Mostly because The Donald feeds on hate and it will only make him stronger.

Stay sober, stay attentive.

Step Three: Don’t Talk Politics

Just don’t talk politics.

Like, at all.

It might feel okay, that a sophisticated political discourse could arise and everyone would be equally calm, stating opinions and supporting them with facts. But that just won’t happen. Turkey and mashed potatoes have a way of distorting the mind when they enter your body as a food baby.

If Aunt/Uncle Racist tries to bring up anything political, or if they try to speak at all, just shout, “Bernie or Bust!” over and over and over until they pipe down and go get seconds.

Step Four: Wear Saturday’s Best

I know that you may want to dress up all fancy in your Sunday’s best, but don’t potatoes and gravy are all but guaranteed to spill on your pants if you do. Most people don’t know this, but Sunday’s best pants actually come with a sewed in magnet that attracts gravy.

The solution? Wear Saturday’s best.

That way, you’re less likely to spill like a little child who deserves to sit at the kiddos table. And if you end up spilling anyway because you actually are a little child, you won’t care as much. It’s a win-win.

For you and your mom.

Step Five: Don’t Get Seconds

Never get seconds. I once saw my fourth brother Tom gets seconds and I haven’t seen him since.

You know who else got seconds? John Hurt in Alien. And you know what happened to him? That’s right; a baby alien burst from his ribcage and went on to terrorize and almost eat Ripley.

For your safety, don’t get seconds.

Let the food sit and when the feast is concluded, bag it up as leftovers. We ALL know that Thanksgiving leftovers are the best leftovers and I know that nobody would ever compromise this universal truth. You’re doing your life and your tummy a favor.