Don’t pretend you know how to “college.”

Don’t waltz into freshman orientation wearing an overpriced school sweatshirt that’s already faded and frayed with a summer’s worth of overuse. Don’t ignore your parents.

Do let them take care of you. Let your mom micromanage the unpacking and see to it that your new bed is outfitted with enough blankets to carry you through the winter months. When your dad strikes up a conversation with what seems like every kid on your floor, don’t fight it. Just keep the eye rolling to a minimum once they insist on photographing your first trip to the Dining Hall (it’s fine, really, you don’t eat there often anyway).

Don’t question your roommate when she drags you to a random suite full of people later that night. But believe her when she says you’ll have a good time. Clink beers with unfamiliar faces and toast the brave soul who decided to throw the infamous first dorm party.

When your family leaves, don’t stretch yourself too thin to overcompensate for being alone in a big city. Don’t spend your weekends rotating between different groups and different sports houses in an attempt to convince yourself that college is all about making it work as a social floater. It’s not. Step out of your comfort zone, yes, but don’t make yourself vulnerable in the process.

Remember to pick yourself back up when you inevitably lose half of these “friends.” You won’t click with everyone. Just don’t hastily book a flight home to avoid explaining why you spent your first Halloweekend of college alone. Don’t waste the month of December (still alone) moping over the falling-out you had with your roommate either. Resist the urge to hold grudges. And for the love of everything, steer clear of the dimly lit common room at the end of the hall.

Don’t post in the freshman Facebook group. Don’t be that person.

Take advantage of your newfound fake-adulthood. Bask in the luxury of living on the same block as all of your friends, despite never spending more than a few hours apart from them. Learn to love the metro system. Don’t underestimate the importance of sleep, and don’t overestimate the quality of campus food. Take showers once a day, twice if you have to. Dry shampoo won’t work for you the way they do for the women on TV. People will notice.

Get something pierced. It’s college!

Don’t stupid-fall for your best guy friend. Don’t stay up almost every night talking. Stop agreeing to watch reruns of The Officewith him just so you can lay in his bed. Don’t let him kiss you—and, god, don’t kiss him back. When your friends voice concerns about you getting hurt, quit pursuing him. Because as much as you won’t see it coming, he’ll probably turn out to be gay.

Don’t then start debating whether or not you should hook up with the cute(ish) guy you found on the Accepted Students page. The answer is always no.

When you score an invite to some frat party or mixer or whatever, don’t overthink anything. Just go. Spend the first half of the night with your friends, pregaming with boxed wine and raiding each other’s closets. Arrive late in a giggly haze and, perhaps against your better judgement, enlist immediate help in finding something strong to sip on. Let your sheer intoxication stand unrivaled as a definitive freshman memory. Savor the loud conversations, the subsequent 2AM walks, the feeling of New England air on flushed cheeks. And when you finally stumble upon the 24-hour diner you’ll be frequenting almost every weekend for the rest of the year, remember to tip the waitress for putting up with your half-drunk ass.

The next morning, drag yourself out of bed (or, let’s be honest, off the floor). Throw some Advil back with a triple shot of espresso. Invest in sunglasses.

But learn your limits and trust your gut. Take everything in moderation so as to give your body a chance to heal. Don’t make anything a habit. Strength isn’t measured by the number of shots you take, but by the number of 8AMs you make it to the morning after.

Don’t chug anything out of a mop bucket. You’ll never be able to walk down the cleaning supplies aisle of Target again without feeling like your actions are those which give college students unfavorable reputations.

Enjoy your visits home, because no matter how far away you’re living now, there’s nothing quite like a hot meal or newly laundered clothes or the way your body sinks into your bed so perfectly. Don’t pass up the opportunity to be taken care of.

Don’t compare yourself to your friends at other schools. Don’t make their first years out to be such that you start to rethink yours. Because when one of them randomly calls you crying, you’ll realize you’re all just young and scared and pretending you know how to “college.”

As it is, you’ve got three more years to mess things up.