Hey, it’s me.
Your daughter, the 20-year-old you keep trying to pull close, but push away. It’s really hard to have a relationship with you when you won’t even come to your senses about the world around you. But then again, I don’t blame you. It’s never your fault, right? It has to be everybody else’s stupidity. But that’s actually not the case. Cause the cold hard facts and the stinging truth is that your life has been destroyed by your enslavement to the substances you so lovingly abuse.
Oops. Did I say that out loud?
I’m not supposed to know those things; in your eyes, I’m still your little girl. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. You don’t even know me, and you still claim that I’m yours. You don’t think that I watched your life be drained from you before my eyes? You talk about family and a legacy but you haven’t taught me the first thing about loyalty or consistency. It’s really hard to take you seriously when your own family has yet to talk to you in years, but I regularly get invited to family gatherings. I may have your blood and your stubbornness, but I have learned elsewhere to have a heart and to care for the ones that are around me. You’re really, really good at pushing people away, and you have been your whole life. Don’t think for one second that I’m fooled by your games.
This isn’t funny anymore and frankly, it never was.
I’m sorry that your life didn’t span out the way you had once wished or hoped. But don’t think that it’s okay for you to blame my mother or point your finger back at me and my family. It’s not fair and it certainly isn’t mature. It’s childish. I’ve been told my whole life that if we were to have a relationship I’d always have to be the adult. I’ve always been respectful of you and never once have I stepped out of line to dishonor you. But somehow, in your world, I’m defiant and disrespectful because I don’t follow your rules the way you like. Does that thought process stem from the fact that I don’t keep chasing you down and beg for your time anymore? I won’t beg for your time because I know how valuable mine is. Being stood up countless times has taught me a thing or two; and yes, lots of character or lack of it has been proven through the years.
As I look through years of fragmented memories of me and you, I see fun and adventure, but I also see a father out of touch with who he is. Receiving cards addressed to "Pookie" and signed “Your Dad” followed by your full birth name is weird. What child wants to see that? A nickname that means nothing and a stale ending to a halfway heartfelt card. At twenty, it hasn’t changed. It’s like you’re still trying to remind yourself of the role you’re supposed to have in my life that you just don't fill. Yes, you're right, you're my biological father and for that I will honor you, but I’m not going to be sorry about distancing myself because you already know I have people in my life that continuously choose me day in, day out and fight all the battles that life has to offer.
When your texts come through at odd hours of the night I know it’s not because you have insomnia. I know what you’re doing and you can’t fool me. I’ve been alive twenty years and to think that I’ve been sheltered in a bubble is ridiculous. I know what people under the influence of substances are capable of and to think that you’re the exception would be delusional of me. Every time your name appears on my phone at three- or four-something in the morning, it’s not anger that I feel. It’s honestly sadness and a heartbreak like no other. I wish you could see something else. That you could have a different life, but you don’t want it… or you don’t want it bad enough to quit the thing that’s killing you. You may let this slowly bring you to your grave, but I will not let you or our lack of a relationship dampen my outlook on life. I have too much love in me to waste my time on a relationship with the current foundation of acid. This doesn’t mean I don’t love you or still want the best for you, because I do. My heart breaks thinking of the way life could be if you had chosen your life over substances. I want you to have a life full of the fun adventures we used to go on as a little kid. I want you to know how much I love you.... I just know I need to do what's best for me and right now, that’s not you.
