I remember when I was flying on the second plane to Ecuador when it hit me.

I was going to live in a foreign country for six months. That’s when I realized I was not a normal person. That’s when I realized I was crazy. Who does that? Live in a foreign country temporarily for “learning experiences” when I live in the most powerful country in the world. I had some of my best and worst experiences while studying abroad.

There is a multitude of posts on Facebook and Instagram of me zip lining, horse riding, snorkeling in the Galapagos, hiking in the Amazon and so much more. It was incredible. I wish to relive those moments exactly how they happened. So many thoughts surrounded me after every site my study abroad group traveled to. Overwhelming happiness and appreciation. How could there not be a God? I developed a strong appreciation for the existence of those places I visited. A great appreciation for God’s power.

Now, here is what they don’t tell you.

They don’t tell you how much people assume about you because you’re from the states. They don’t tell you how you might feel after being mugged. They don’t tell you that you might feel like an outcast. They don’t tell you that people may discriminate you because you are an American of color. They don’t tell you a lot of things. I wish people who studied abroad would quit saying only the things that they loved while studying abroad. I wish people would reveal the ugly as well.

Here is my ugly.

Getting catcalled at least ten times a day. I was catcalled on the streets and from the inside of their homes. One man followed me home. A group of men honked at my friend and I and one of them took out a bottle of wine, signaling us to party with them in the middle of the day (I thought this one was a funny one). A man brushed my leg intentionally on the bus one day. I couldn’t wear shorts or a dress, otherwise I would get twice the harassment.

I attended the most prestigious university in Ecuador. Tuition: 10,000 dollars a year. No AC and a couple of computer labs. I will tell you this: it had better parking than at my alma mater. I remember many people saying, “we’re rich but not as rich as you”. You don’t know me. You automatically think I have money because I’m from the U.S. People wouldn’t treat me like a foreigner until I spoke Spanish. I am an American of color. I am Latina. One person told me I look less American than my white American friends. I don’t think anyone will ever understand how those words made me feel. He basically said that I look less than what I know I am, less of my identity. If I look less American, does that mean I have less rights as an American? American culture is deeply embedded into my identity. Do you know how those words can hurt? Am I too sensitive? Am I obsessed over political correctness? Maybe. Maybe.

During beach volleyball class the instructor put us in groups of four to test us how long we can keep the ball in the air. I was in the group with the only boys in the class- we were able to keep the ball in the air the longest. He said, “Of course the men won, they’re men.” (The dialogue was all in spanish and is translated in English here). I told him that I was not a man and he didn’t respond. He simply said, “Men rule this world and always will”. I don’t remember his exact words but it was something of the sort. I said, “Why can’t both men and women rule the world?” He responded, “Well men have always ruled the world and it’s better that way for humanity”. I told him, “Keep thinking that way and see where that leads you to”. Maybe it was the tone that I used or my facial gestures but the entire class laughed. Or maybe because he didn’t respond to me. Or maybe because he was just a volleyball instructor. One of my male peers told me, “Asi se habla” or “Well said”. He infuriated me because that day he was being sexist and the other day he was being homophobic. He commented on a male’s shorts being too short. He told him he looked gay with a demeaning tone. After a couple moments, the instructor told me that rest of the class should watch out for Yelsse because it seems like she had a strong cup of coffee...what?

At a wedding I was invited to by my host family, I heard someone say that women should drink pina coladas and the whiskey should be left to men. I took the whiskey cause I’m a BA. That same night, a couple people were discussing Ecuador’s economy. One of them looked at me and said, “If it weren’t for the U.S., we wouldn’t be in this situation”. What? I’m not part of the problem. I couldn’t handle it. I remember running to the bathroom and letting out tears. It was a culmination of all the harassment I had received from mostly men. On the positive side, it was one of the most corniest and most beautiful weddings I have ever been to.

During my fourth month into the semester, I had my phone stolen. I was waiting outside of a bar for a friend. I took out my phone and a man snatched it from my hand. I quickly ran after him until another man tugged my bag down. I fell on my knees and turned to him. He told me to not follow or else I’d be killed. I followed them until I could no longer see them. I wanted to roll into a ball and cry. I’ve never been robbed. I’ve never been threatened. I felt helpless for myself. I felt regret taking my phone out. Regret for running after them, I could have been killed. People kill for a penny in countries like Ecuador. I wanted to go home that night. I wanted to go back to California. I experienced irrational fear after that night for weeks. I felt people tugging my bag and my clothing but it was only my imagination.

I leave here the ugly. I do not feel resentment. I would never take back the experiences I had, the good and the ugly. Everything happened for a reason. Remember, studying abroad is what you make of it. If something bad happens, it’s ok. If someone hurts your feelings, it’s ok. Everything is a learning experience.