I had seen it all. I had faced the unfacable. I had experienced real sadness, a sense of prolonged depression, and I had come out on the other end stronger. I came out knowing more about myself then I ever thought I could, about what I could endure. And then I opened my eyes.

You see, I've always considered myself something of a "tweener," meaning that I've often felt stuck between two opposing categories in life. I played football when I was young, and I had (some) talent, but I never really hit the gym like other guys, so by the time my late high school years rolled around, I wasn't strong enough or fast enough. I always wanted to get a great education and I've got a decent enough brain, but I haven't fully pushed the boundaries of it; I've always skated by doing just enough. I started writing songs and playing music when I was about 18, and I have (some) talent, but I've never fully devoted myself to the craft, so my technique isn't professional, my voice isn't ideal, and my lyrics aren't groundbreaking. Basically, I've made a habit out of being average, maybe a fraction of a hair over ordinary. If I had hit the weights, maybe I could have been a great athlete. If I actually studied, maybe I could have been a doctor or a lawyer. If I truly dedicated myself to music, maybe I could have been doing it for a living by now. These "ifs" have plagued my conscience for years, but nowhere in my life can this been seen more than in my social life.

I have many good friends, I consider myself lucky to have surrounded myself with people who I love and care about, but I've always felt stuck in between different opposing ideas within my friendships. You see, my friends from high school, I love them all deeply. I have so many incredible memories with them. Over the past years they've often asked me to hang out, to go out to bars and meet girls and act like a normal traditional 20 something. The only problem is, I can't really enjoy that type of experience. I'm not really a fan of alcohol, I hate the incessant new age electronica or the over-sampled hip-hop-pop fusion that's blasted over club speakers, and random sexual encounters that overly occur in these places has never been my scene. It pains me to say it, but I feel as if I've lost connection to some of those people over a simple uneasy feeling as not wanting to socialize in that atmosphere. Then I have other friends whose idea of a fun night was sitting in their house and playing board games or D&D. Don't get me wrong I had plenty of enjoyable nights doing that, but that's the other side: if I'm not out being social and meeting new people and experiencing things, I always feel like I'm missing out. I consider myself to be a homebody, I can amuse myself while just sitting around the house doing this or that, but after too long I grow irritated with my inactivity. There's only so many books you can read or video games you can play before you get over-saturated by loneliness. I do often times find the middle ground here, I have plenty of friends who enjoy doing the things that I like to do: talking about sports, going to see movies, arguing about politics, karaoke/trivia nights, and of course the essential hours on end car conversations about life, the universe, and everything outside the local convenience mart.

However I didn't always have the positive outlets. For years, and I do mean many years, I struggled deeply with these problems. I cried a lot, I felt alone and unwanted, I wondered why life had forsaken me, why the forces that be had cast me out to wither away. I felt stuck in the middle, never truly belonging to something or someone. I couldn't feel a true connection to people. I often faked it: I smiled, I joked, I masked my grief behind anything and everything that could contain it. I refused to let people see the real me, fearing that what lay beyond one simple question was an answer I couldn't grapple with. To put it very simply, I lied. I lied to the people who knew me and loved me, but much worse is that I lied to myself. Lying to yourself can be so easy it's scary. People distort their self image so much that they never see the truth staring them in the face. It took years of despair for me to realize that I didn't have to feel that pain anymore, that I was only doing it to myself. I made these problems for myself, I alone was the cause, and when I took responsibility for them, it freed me. I started liking the fact that I was different, that I didn't belong to any particular group or clique. I started letting my originality be greatest advantage. It gave me hope for the future. It reached down and picked my heart off the mat after I let my sense of hopelessness nearly knock me out. I finally started listening to people, who helped me see the error of my thinking. My mom and dad made it so easy to see how bright my future could be. I came clean to many of my friends about how and why I acted the way I did, and they only loved me more for telling them the truth. I opened up, I felt stronger for it.

I'm veering off track from my point here: basically, I thought I had gone through some serious trials, that I had experienced true heartache and desperation. And then I opened my eyes.

You see, I just wrote about how I did all those things to myself. I could have made myself into something more. I still could, but I'll have to live with the years I wasted away doing nothing but sulk about why life was so hard. But I really had no one else to blame. I come from a great family with loving parents who were always trying to help me, and still to this day are. I have plenty of people who love me. But the truth is, many people out in this world don't. Many people don't have a family or friends to lean on when times get tough. They're going through the same problems that I did, only they feel that they're facing them alone. They're looking for the same direction that I was, only they don't have people in their lives trying to guide them, to point them in the right direction. They spend their nights afraid of what tomorrow may bring. These people feel trapped, as if life threw them inside a hole with no one coming to rescue them.

At this point I'd like to use a visual aid to hammer home my point. One of my favorite shows is "The West Wing" and this is by far my favorite scene from the show:

If you don't want to watch the video, here's the story that's told:

-This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, "Hey you can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole, and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, "Father I'm down in this hole can you help me out?" The priest writes a prayer, throws it down in the hole, and moves on. Then a friend walks by, "Hey Joe it's me can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says "are you stupid, now we're both down here!" The friend says "Yeah but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."

What I'm trying to say here is that no one ever has to be alone. No one ever has to struggle with feelings of hopelessness and despair. If you have love in your heart and you let people see it, the right people will return it, and you'll never have to be alone again. It may take time to find those right people, but I promise you they're out there, and they're looking for you. Depression is such a debilitating feeling that many people don't even realize they suffer from it. They get so used to the feeling of misery that it becomes their new normal.

I'm here to say that if you are someone who feels this way, tell people. Don't let it grow. Search inside yourself for the truth. Tell the people you love and the people that love you. Don't ever try to hide it. There's nothing wrong with you. You won't always feel this way. Sure you'll have to do the climbing alone, but someone who loves you can show you the steps.