Growing up is a daily struggle to find out who you are and deciding who you want to be. Trying to pave the path to who you are is overwhelming. There are so many obstacles we have to face. While you’re doing that, you hear all these different voices categorizing you. They haunt and manipulate you until you look in the mirror and start seeing those things in yourself. These words start to define you, which causes emotional disabilities, such as depression and anxiety.
Depression impacts more than 15 million people over the age of 18 in the United States, while anxiety, on the other hand, impacts 40 million people. Anxiety and depression can impact a person socially, such as making them withdrawn. Due to depression, people can become withdrawn from their interests and their friends. With social anxiety, it’s the pressure of having to speak versus the fear of saying something wrong.
I grew up in a family with divorced parents. During high school, that’s when my relationship with my father was even more non-existent than before. He divorced his third wife, which meant his uncontrollable rage was now being focused on me and my brother. Alcoholism and addiction controlled him. Vile words and actions always were headed in my direction. I had to balance the unfairness from teachers, peers, and the home situation I was unwillingly put in.
When residing with my father, words were thrown at me, such as “fat,” “retarded,” “ugly,” and so on. Along with the mental and emotional trauma, things would become physical. Due to being harassed so heavily at home, it made me paranoid. I felt like I was not deserving of more than the words I was told, which shut me down.
During one of my classes in high school, I sat with an acquaintance and her friends. I looked around the table and thought everyone who was sitting there was more successful. Hearing that I was not good enough repeatedly made me feel invalidated. Despite the past abuse, I could take the words that said I would not be successful and prove them wrong. I would not defeat my demons in my head for my own benefit.
Although I was shy and hesitant to speak, somehow I got into the field of acting. I wanted to know what it felt like to be in front of the stage, rather than hiding behind a curtain, as I usually was in most real life situations.
Taking on a character can bring you out of who you are for that moment. You get so wrapped up in your performance, that the idea of an audience looking at you is an afterthought. The idea that I had to remember multiple pages of lines and present them to an entire room of people, who may have had past experience in the theater department, shook me. My partner and I would be the center focus. Though I was fearful, I got up on stage to present a scene from, “A View From The Bridge." We rehearsed our lines so much it became second nature to have them on the tip of our tongues.
Even though I was concerned about speaking in front of so many people, the acting department was welcoming. It was a place where you could freely perform. Due to acting, I have gained my own sense of self. Most of my friends happen to be in the theater department, as well. They were some of the first people to allow me into their lives. I went from shy and insecure to sincerely myself: a girl with a loud mouth and a ridiculous sense of humor, which contains the occasional pun.
Though I have become more confident socially, sometimes space is necessary. Last year, I lived in a single room, so I was able to escape from being around people constantly. I had time to refresh my mind and focus in on myself. I came to discover that someone I knew didn’t understand why I would go in my room sometimes and not want to be around people. Despite my repeated attempts to help her understand what it’s like to live with anxiety and depression, I gave up. Now, I have friends in my life who understand that being in social settings for too long can be challenging, which causes my mind to need a buffer. This act is not because I’m "shy," it’s because I’m introverted. Be selfish with your mental health.
Being introverted means that you require space for your mental health at times, along with being able to function and complete tasks alone. Being shy is a quality that someone develops over time, due to the fear of judgment. If you’re shy, it is not something you should feel guilty or apologize for. Being introverted is a way of learning that is natural, it’s a way you’re able to function more efficiently while being shy is developed through external, environmental factors.
After freshman year of college, I came back home to discover that the girl who sat at the table I was silent at became my co-worker. As we spent almost every day together, I told her things about what I underwent with my family, and she listened. Having someone to understand in a place where I felt like no one ever did was relieving. She opened up to me about how my shyness during high school was misinterpreted as a negativity towards her. When someone is shy, it’s because they’re battling with something. They have voices inside their head telling them that they will be rejected. She understood why I distanced myself and no longer took personal offense to it.
Being shy is a battle, not a flaw. When you’re shy, the best thing you can do is surround yourself with people who you know for a fact you can be authentic with. Surround yourself with people who make you unafraid, and can assist you in overcoming those voices.
