Being a Christian has never been easy, and maintaining unwavering faith has been even harder. In this day and age of instant gratification and social media it is even harder to believe in something we can’t see. In a time when people are being killed by those who are supposed to protect them, when people are attempting kidnap in broad daylight, and when there are so many hate crimes around the world it is easy to ask “how could God let this happen.” It is easy to question his existence, but these times are the times when we need our faith the most. These tragic times are the times that we need God the most and he uses these horrible things to bring us closer to him.
“Hold on tight a little longer What don’t kill ya, makes ya stronger Get back up, ‘cause it’s a hard love You can’t change without a fallout It’s gon’ hurt, but don’t you slow down Get back up, ‘cause It’s a hard love.”
These lyrics spoke volumes to me this morning as I was singing along, in the shower, with NEEDTOBREATH After the song went off I just couldn’t seem to shake these words. I began to think about my spiritual journey over the past 5 months and throughout my entire college career. I can say that I have not had the strongest faith all four and half years and I used to feel ashamed of that, but these lyrics helped me to realize that it’s okay. In fact, I think that struggling with your faith ultimately makes it stronger and in turn more meaningful.
“What don’t kill ya, makes ya stronger”
I learned this lesson my freshman year of college, which was easily the hardest year of my life. My grandmother was diagnosed with kidney cancer in September and went into surgery in October. We didn’t expect her to even make it through the surgery due to other health issues, but she pulled through and fought hard for three months. She finally passed two days before my 19th birthday. To top that off I was on academic probation after my first semester and I never saw that for myself. I became very depressed and was a nightmare to be around. I slept all the time and skipped class because I just couldn’t make myself get out of bed, but somehow managed to make good enough grades to stay enrolled.
Shortly after moving home, for the summer, tragedy struck again when I woke up to my sister saying “he’s really dead.” Our good friend had been killed in a drunk driving accident. This was a hard blow to deal with so shortly after the death of my grandmother. He was such a good and kindhearted person, so I just couldn’t understand why or how something like this could happen to him. I started to question God, how could he do this to me, to my friends, to his family? I was mad at him for taking him away from us so soon. It killed me to see one of my best friends, his girlfriend of three years, so upset while knowing there was nothing I could do to help. His death was a hard hit for my entire group of friends and it was something we were never prepared for. That year my hometown suffered from several tragic deaths of young people and I just couldn’t grasp why these kids never got a chance at adult life. I think this is really the point in time when my faith was at its weakest.
“You can’t change without a fallout”
Sophomore and Junior year came and went with no real significant situations occurring. At this point in time I wasn’t going to church and I definitely was not putting in any effort to strengthen my faith and relationship with God. I actually had begun to question God’s existence a little. My sister had completely denounced God and was a non-believer. She began to study druidry. She talked about it with me and she made some good points. I began to look at things in a new light and started to come up with theories to explain things without God. But deep down in my heart I think I knew that God was real and that she was wrong. On April 4th, of our senior year, God set the plan in motion to bring her back to him and me closer to him.
“It’s ‘gon hurt, but don’t you slow down. Get back up ‘cause it’s a hard love”
I can still remember that night like it was yesterday, my mom called me at 10:30 pm and I knew something was wrong. I can still hear her saying, “Kenzie, I got some bad news, Aby shot himself and it doesn’t look good.” At that moment I felt my heart break in two. Aby aka Abram is my 12-year-old cousin; he was 11 at the time of the accident. He wants to be a preacher and bar owner so he can be like the guy in the movies, the one people always come to for good advice. No one could tell me where he was shot at or what happened just that he was on his way to Memorial Hospital in Asheville, via helicopter. I fell to my knees and screamed at God, “why God why? Please don’t take him yet God please!” I pleaded with God and prayed harder than I ever had before. I called one of my best friends and she was able to tell me that she heard on her scanner. There was a gunshot wound (GSW) to the head on an 11-year-old male, but she had no idea it was my cousin. I was so scared he was going to die, I’ve watched 12 seasons of “Grey’s anatomy” so I know GSW to the head is serious and not very hopeful. I prayed that whole night that he would at least make it until the next day so I could see him and be with my family. Seeing him lying there with a breathing tube down his throat and his head all swollen and misshapen was hard. I honestly didn’t think he was going to make it that first week I questioned how he could possibly come out this with any kind of quality life, but God put all that to rest.
The second week into this long agenizing journey something strange happened, one day I woke up with a strong sense of peace and hope that I hadn’t had before. I just knew in my heart of hearts that God was going to use Abram in ways I couldn’t imagine. This moment right here was a huge turning point in my life, but I didn’t even realize that at the time. This was God speaking to me letting me know that he was there, that he never left me, that prayer and faith really did have power. This was the first step to healing my broken faith.
The doctors were surprised by how well he was doing but they still didn’t offer much hope. They told us if he woke up he wouldn’t be himself, he would basically just lay there, and he would never interact with us. I got to be there the first time they woke him up and tried take his breathing tube out. He did better than they expected but his lungs still weren’t strong enough for him to come off the ventilator. A week later he was off the ventilator and even moving his left arm and leg some he would also communicate with blinks. We were all so ecstatic and gave glory to God, especially my uncle.
My uncle is a God-fearing man with strong faith that never wavered through any of this. He instantly became a Facebook sensation with his updates on Abram, his inspiring faith and scripture. At first I didn’t understand how he could be so sure that God would save Abram, I didn’t understand how he could not be mad at God. Months later I found out that he was so sure because God spoke to him through a dream, just like in the Bible. Not only did my uncle have a vision of Abram preaching on a stage, but a friend of my uncles had the same vision, only his point of view, in the vision, was different from my uncle’s. That revelation gave me all the proof I needed to know that this entire situation was God’s work.
After a month of fierce and reverent prayer Abram was moved to rehab at Levine’s Children Hospital in Charlotte.
I was able to spend a lot of time with him during his month at Levine’s and he continued to show me God’s power and faithfulness. With every new accomplishment God revealed himself to me a little more. Abram’s determination and spirit showed me what true faith looks like. I know I would have wanted to give up and wallow in self-pity, but Abram seemed to know that God had his back and that he could conquer all. This made me realize that if you truly believe in God’s power he will show you his will. I realized that I had not been doing what God wanted me to do, and I wasn’t showing God’s love through my own actions. I realized that being a Christian is more than just going to church and praying. Being a Christian is about having faith in God and his abilities, believing that if you allow him to he will use you for his will. It made me realize that God is faithful and loyal and it was time for me to start being the same to him.
Abram surpassed all the doctor’s expectations once again and was sent home in June. He can now walk on his own, do a slow jog, move his right arm a little, has complete movement of his left arm, he can speak but doesn’t like to because it’s hard for him, and he’s taking tests to get him ready to go back to school. He is a medical miracle and I just can’t help but think that God used him to show that he is all powerful and that true faith and devotion can bring great things.
With that being said don’t feel bad if you don’t have that unwavering faith right now. I’m not saying just do you and don’t worry about it, but don’t panic or feel any less of a Christian because you aren’t there yet. Even some of our favorite biblical heroes questioned God at times. Take Moses for example; God was all like “Hey Moses it’s me your ancestors’ God, your people have been oppressed for too long now go and talk the pharaoh into setting them free.” Moses was freaking out, unsure of how he could possibly pull this stunt off, but God gave him the resources he needed, his staff and his brother Aaron, and sent him on his way. When Moses asked the pharaoh to let his people go into the wilderness to sacrifice and worship their God, pharaoh was like “nope not today Moses,” and said they were just being lazy. He then ordered the slave drivers to quit supplying the straw for brick making and told the Hebrews to find their own straw but still produce the same number of bricks as before. When this happened an Israelite came up to Moses and Aaron and said “may the lord judge and punish you for making us stink before the pharaoh and his officials. You have put a sword into their hand and an excuse to kill us” Exodus 5:21. Exodus 5:22-23, “Moses went back to the Lord and protested ‘why have you brought all this trouble on your own people, Lord? Why did you send me? Ever since I came to Pharaoh as your spokesman, he has been even more brutal to your people. And you have done nothing to rescue them.” “The lord then said to Moses, ‘Now you will see what I will do to pharaoh. When he feels the force of my strong hand, he will let the people go. In fact, he will force them to leave his land” Exodus 6:1.
We shouldn’t be ashamed about not being “a good Christian” because God uses your lowest points to show you how powerful he truly is, as well as to bring you closer to him. What weight would faith hold if we kept the same degree of faith our whole lives? If that were the case than faith would be meaningless. In order for your faith to mean something you have to grow and sometimes growing involves taking a few steps backwards, in turn, taking a thousand forward.
