Throughout what seems to be my entire life, I've always struggled with my faith. There are times when I've had mega highs, like at high school retreats, but more often than not, there has been an abundance of lows.
The first time I seriously started questioning my faith was when I got to high school. After attending multiple Christian schools, this was the first time I'd ever attended a non-Christian school. Various situations shocked me, such as people constantly drinking and giving gritty details about who they had sex with the night before, both of which kind of freaked me out. I got used to it; however, and became more accustomed to profane language, seeing videos of my classmates smoke, and constant lockdowns to search for drugs. I never got into any of that stuff, as I was raised not to be a wild child, and for the most part, it worked...until I got to college.
Being away from my parents and everyone I knew for the past four years of my life was like entering a whole new world. Although I attended a Christian university, I didn't expect people to act like they did in high school, so seeing that firsthand was shocking;I was so naive my first year of college. The first time I heard someone say "fuck" on campus, I didn't know what to do. I think I was pretty bewildered for a few minutes and maybe checked with one or two of my friends to see if they'd heard the same thing I had. Now that I'm a senior, this has become regular. I'm used to hearing people curse, and although I'm definitely not saying everyone does this, it happens, even at a Christian university.
From that moment and going forward, I realized I was free to do and say whatever I wanted. I didn't need my parents' permission anymore. I was my own person and could do whatever I pleased. Realizing this launched me ever further into escaping my faith, or what little of it I had left. I started smoking and drinking more, and although I've never experienced either of them in excess, I'm more open to saying yes to those things if people ask. I don't follow the Biblical 'rules' that I used to; I'm tired of them and want to live life the way I want, which is extremely selfish, but right now I'm realizing I need to do more things for me.
Each year I realized this more and more, and even now, I'm aware how far I've drifted away from God. There's still a part of me that knows I should be talking to Him every day, but it seems like such a hassle. I want my relationship with God to be organic, not something I have to force every day. When I used to read a daily devotional, I would always dread it and often read it just to check it off my 'To Do' list. If I picked up a daily devotional again, I know the same thing would happen. As a senior, I know this is the time where I've been the farthest from God, and I have conflicting emotions admitting that; although, to some degree, I'm happy because I feel like I'm being true to myself, but I also feel like I'm disappointing my parents who are so active in their faith. At the same time, maybe this is what God has planned for me right now. Maybe I'll be forced to reestablish my faith and actively connect with God again. I don't know what's going to happen, but as of now, I'm going to continue living the way I am.
