Author's Note: Like most things I write, this is completely satirical.
To be a first-generation college student is an accomplishment in itself, and being among the first in your family to receive a college education and ultimately obtain a college degree is a terrific accomplishment, one that any first-generation student would surely be proud of, and rightly so.
Sadly, this is a feeling I will never experience, because the unfortunate truth, one that took me many years to come to terms with, is that both of my parents not only attended college but graduated as well.
What does this mean? Well, it means this. It means that I am a second-generation college student, and I must accept this fact.
I just don't understand why my parents decided to be so incredibly selfish and go to college, therefore forever preventing me from obtaining the title of first-generation college student. Didn't they realize what they were taking away from me the instant they walked across the stage and received their diploma? Couldn't they predict the devastating effects that this would eventually have on me? It is a truth too terrible to even talk about.
Now, here I am, wallowing in my second-generation sorrows, with nothing at all that I can do about it. All I know is that I will never forgive my parents for bestowing the second-generation curse upon me. The struggle is just too real, as the cool kids say.
All I ever wanted, for as long as I could remember, was to be a first-generation college student. Then, I was faced with the truth, that I never would be. I was then diagnosed with Second-Generation Student Disorder by multiple doctors. It's not a well-understood disease, but trust me when I say that it is definitely real. Having this heartbreaking truth thrust upon me was probably the most devastating moment of my childhood, on the same level as learning the truth about Santa Claus.
I see all the wonderfully proud parents whose children are graduating, and the pride in their eyes at knowing that their children have accomplished a very special thing, as the graduates proudly become the first in their family to finish college. A beautiful moment, I'm sure, and one that I will never be a part of. Why would a parent be proud of their child graduating college when the parent already graduated? Like, what's the point? Oh, what a sad, sad life us second-generation students live.
Being a second-generation student is a struggle, to be sure, but there is something even worse, something that it pains me to admit I might also be. The awful, awful truth is that not only did my parents graduate college, but my grandfather did as well, which would make me... I can barely even utter the words... a third-generation college student. It turns out that my status as first-generation was ruined generations ago, so I guess I was completely doomed from the beginning.
And look, I know what you're thinking. Since I went to college, am I not feeding into the same system that I am complaining about? Am I not further preventing any future children of mine from ever being considered first-generation students? But to that, I say.... yeah, now that I think about it, I guess that I am doing all of those things.
