I am not someone who makes friends easily. It takes me a while to feel comfortable around people, and I sometimes even still feel shy around those I am closest to. So, one of my greatest apprehensions coming into college was making new friends. A large part of me hoped that I would become best friends with my roommate, or at least good enough friends with her to know that I had someone I could hang out with until I made other friends (neither ended up happening).
Throughout the first few months of my freshman year I spent a lot of my time alone. As an introvert, I felt OK with this some of the time, but I also craved the companionship of others. I worried that I would never find new friends. I participated in many (if not all) of my residence hall’s events, went to a good amount of campus events and attended club meetings, but they all seemed to follow the same pattern. I’d walk in by myself, sit down or stand close — but not too close — to someone, both hoping and dreading that they’d say hi. If someone I sort of knew or someone who is just a friendly person, started talking to me, I’d feel both relieved and worried about having to maintain a conversation. I'd feel too shy or awkward to initiate a conversation myself and then would leave on my own once again.
Due to my quiet participation and attending a small school, there was usually at least one person a day I waved hi to as we walked by each other, but I didn’t know these people well enough to actually hang out with them. This somehow made me feel lonelier than if I had no one to say hi to at all.
When I came home in October for fall break, I had lunch with one of my best friends from high school. She talked about her roommates and new friends, telling funny stories about them. She seemed to get along with them so well. How had she made friends so quickly? She had started school later than I did. Was there something wrong with me? Maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough.
When I got back to campus, I told myself to toughen up. I thought there’s no use feeling sad that hardly anyone invites you to dinner if you can ask to have dinner with people yourself. So, I used every ounce of my courage one night and asked my roommate and her friend if I could join them for dinner. Sitting with their large group of friends, I felt out of place. I sat at the end of the table, so it was difficult for me to join in on the conversation, even if I had felt comfortable enough to. The people sitting around me did not directly talk to me at all. I began to regret my decision. Sitting alone in my room watching YouTube videos as I ate would have been more enjoyable than this. I tried to console myself by thinking, at least I’m trying.
After everyone was done eating, we got up to clear our plates. As I emerged from the compost area, I didn’t see anyone I had just eaten with. I walked over to the coffee cart to see if they were getting dessert, but none of them were there. I thought maybe they went to the bathroom or are hiding in the big dinner rush. To give them some more time to suddenly appear, and to delay my acceptance of reality, I bought a cookie. Then I walked back to my dorm alone, embracing the fact that they had left without me. I tried giving them the benefit of the doubt to make myself feel better about being forgotten. They’re a big group of friends who aren’t used to having me with them. They didn’t purposefully leave me behind. It was a mistake. Dinner with them wasn’t that fun anyway. All of this was surely true, but it still hurt.
A few weeks later, I went on a retreat. Here, I met two of my closest friends for the first time. Even though I had just met them, I felt more comfortable than usual. There wasn’t that awkwardness or out of place feeling I had experienced with other people. After that weekend, I saw them at least once a week due to being in the same small group as them in a program run by campus ministry. There, I met one of my other closest friends. Our friendship developed throughout the weeks, and then years, and now I can honestly say I am blessed to have some of the best friends in the world.
So what was the difference? Why did hanging out with one group of people make me feel uncomfortable and caused me to literally end up alone, while meeting another group of people made me feel welcome and provided me with a wonderful friendship?
The answer is simple. When I was with the people who are now my best friends, I was able to be myself. When I am with them, I feel appreciated. I feel comfortable enough to challenge myself to do things I usually feel too shy to do even when I want to, such as singing and dancing and voicing my thoughts. I feel accepted. I can allow myself to be vulnerable. I know I will be supported. I know that I am remembered and thought of. I can count on my friends to make me laugh, and to make me think. Just as they know I will listen to them, I know they will listen to me.
To all of those who feel alone, you are not alone. I know it’s been said many times before, and it may seem like people are just lying to make you feel better, but it’s true. You are not alone.
To all of those trying but struggling to make friends, I know it’s tough, but do not give up. There is nothing wrong with you. It may seem like you’re destined to be alone forever, but you will find someone. I still marvel at the thought that my friends and I, who are all from four different places that are not that close to each other (California, Washington, Hawaii and Guam), all ended up in the same place. I know that’s part of the beauty of college, but not only did we all choose the same school, a series of events led to us meeting each other. Based on the fact that I don’t know what I would do without them, God, or fate, or whatever you believe, truly wanted us to meet. Long story short, developing healthy, meaningful, long lasting friendships is not always (or at all) easy. It may take some time, but it will happen if you remain open and accepting of the amazing, mysterious ways of the world.
Everyone makes friends at their own pace, so do not compare yourself to others. Stay strong, because eventually you will find people who make you feel loved. Above all, value yourself. You are worthy of respect. Not spending time with people who do not make you feel appreciated is not selfish or mean. It shows that you know you deserve better. You deserve the chance to find people who will welcome you and allow you to be your lovely self.
