I hate mornings.

And I know that there are others out there who share this debilitating disease. I mean, I can’t be the only one.

Wouldn’t I love the luxury of being a morning person. You think I don’t wish that I could magically wake up like Cinderella to the sound of birds chirping? Wouldn’t it be nice to make a cup of tea and a wholesome breakfast, then do yoga as the sun rises?

But no.

The sun burns my eyes like a magnifying glass. I’m not really sure what real breakfast-time is. I always thought it was at, like 11, but apparently that’s “brunch time.” I’m pretty sure the rest of you are just plain wrong. I have seen maybe seven sunrises in my lifetime, and all of those times were when I was forced to get out of bed aganist my will.

I am not proud to be a morning-hater. I never asked to be plagued with such a strong detest for the early hours of the day. But when my alarm goes off in the morning, I honestly feel like I am going to die.

Maybe because at some point during the night I am transformed from Sleeping Beauty into a troll doll. Maybe because waking up feels like you are being ripped from the sweet slumber of Dreamland on a cloud made of cotton candy, only to realize it was made of mayonnaise.

I would just like to take a moment of silence for the songs I have ruined by making them my alarm, only in an effort to make the morning a little less horrifying (RIP, “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic”). I also send my apologies to anyone who has tried to talk to me within the first 30 minutes of being awake. It wasn’t me who was sassy to you; it was my evil, crabby, before-noon twin. She’s a piece of work, and on behalf of both of us, I’m really sorry.

Perhaps someday I may overcome this affliction. I hope one day, maybe when I’m like 45, I can enjoy a nice Saturday morning. I might squeeze my own orange juice and whatnot. I’m a big Jack Johnson fan, and he makes mornings seem so lovely.

But Rome wasn’t built in a day. It is going to take some time to beat this syndrome. There are going to ups and there are going to be downs, and there will be days I am going to want to quit and go back to sleep. But I know that with your love and support, the morning-haters of the world and I can conquer this. One step at a time.

Thank you.

But for real, S.O.S. Because mornings are the worst.