That 10 letter word is something we like to sweep right under the rug and never talk about again, but I'm here to drag it right back out. I get it, it's scary and probably something you wouldn't ever want to admit and throw out for the whole world to see... but here I am.
Depression is deep. It's draining. It is TOUGH. It's waking up and physically not being able to get out of bed. It's sitting on the bathroom floor muffling your screams so your sisters can't hear them. It's feeling sad 24/7 without a reason. It's pushing yourself out of everyone's lives without explanation. It's doing things that go against everything you know to try and fill that void. It's not sleeping for days because you can't seem to settle your mind long enough to fall asleep. It's losing weight because food isn't a priority anymore. It's trying different pills to make you "happy" but none of them working. It is raw and it is real.
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I think it comes as a surprise to many people when they find out this little thing about me. "You mean the happy, friendly cheerleader struggles with depression? Yeah, I doubt it. Your life is great, you have nothing to be unhappy about." You're right, I don't have anything to be unhappy about. I do have a great life. I have two incredible parents who love me and would do anything to see me happy. I have 3 freaking awesome siblings and I am constantly surrounded by people I love. All of that is great, but it also had nothing to do with how I was feeling. My depression. It is different for every. single. person. Without going into much detail, serious depression runs in my family and I've been experiencing it since my junior year of high school. No life-changing event sparked these feelings for me. I didn't lose anyone close to me. I was just sad. Constantly sad and I could never even try to explain why, because I didn't know either. When it first began, I would lay in bed at night and hear my mama crying and never doubt just why she was. She knew and she was scared for me. Daddy was scared for me. I was scared for me. All I could think was "I am never going to get through this and there is only one way out." I repeated this phrase constantly in my head, every day until it was eventually all I thought about.
There were good days and there were bad days. There were days I got up, had breakfast, and started my day. But then there were the days mama had to get me out of bed, put me in the shower, and get me dressed. THAT is the reality of depression. Life turns into a constant battle between yourself and the day. Eventually, things got better. I'm not going to tell you I just woke up one day and I was happy again because I wasn't. It took time. It took my parents' unconditional love. It took me choosing to be strong. Sometimes, the bad days are still there and I feel myself sinking again, so I head to my hometown to be with my parents for a few days because they are without a doubt, my wonder walls. So thank you for making me strong, mama and daddio.
To sum this all up, surrounding yourself with genuinely good people is SO important. Choosing happiness is important. Getting out of bed when you feel like you have a darn chimney sitting on your chest is important. Getting on your knees and raising those hands at 3 AM is important because He is listening even though no other human can understand your snotty babbling.
Xoxo,
Sarah, wide open
P.S. A LOT of my soul went into this article because it has been on my heart for a few months now. It's scary to be so wide open with the world about something so private for me. I might have cried through every bit of it but I am proud to share my story with you guys. My only hope is that it reaches at least one person who says "I'm not the only one and I can get through this." Because YOU CAN. You are strong and you are loved.
