I am always the girl that's kept a secret. I can't even remember the last time I was out on an actual date, come to think of it, I have only been on one or two actual dates in my entire life. My so called "dating" life consists of 2:00 a.m. texts and the "come over for a little bit" line. No matter who I'm seeing, there always is this secretive vibe to what we actually are. I am never the girl that takes pictures with the guys to have the world to see, I am never the girl that gets bragged about when he's with his friends and I am never the girl that turns into the girlfriend.
I am a convenience to whoever I currently am with. I may think that things are heading one way, but they are actually heading polar opposite. The guys I tend to take a liking for don't feel the need to bring me out in a public setting and you better believe if I see the guy that I am sleeping with on campus, I better not make eye contact or even say hi. I should know that I am just an embarrassment to them in a public enviornment yet when we are alone, I become the center of attention. But the keyword is alone, it's easy to focus on the only person in the room. What becomes the difficult part is being in a room full of people and having your eyes only set on that one person, which is never the case for me.
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I always question what is wrong with me, why are all these other girls put under a spotlight and I am hidden in a dark room, naked with nothing but insecurity and shame. It's because I do it to myself, I don't know any better. To me, it's much better to physically be with someone for a brief moment than to be alone. Just saying it aloud in my head sounds sadder than I thought it would. I keep questioning myself and what the problem with me is when I should really be addressing what is wrong with the guys I go after. Here's the questions I would like to ask you guys:
What is wrong with me? Why am I unworthy of being acknowledged somewhere other than a bedroom? Does the friendship part of our "relationship" even mean anything to you? I know people are going to say I just get too emotional about situations like these, but when it happens all the time and you start noticing patterns, I can't help but start to question why it does. The idea of "friends with benefits" starts to lose its meaning to me because where is MY benefit? I sure see where you benefit and you know what, I enjoy it as well but I need more than just sex to satisfy me. I need acknowledgement, a shoulder to lean on and I need for you not to hide me from the rest of the world.
I feel as if I am maybe asking for too much, but how hard is it really to recognize me outside of the four walls we trap ourselves in. I become your full focus as you aggresively tear off all of my clothes but the second I dress myself and walk out the door, I don't exist. I become this invisible person that gets ignored every second. I find it challenging to understand why you would associate yourself with me, alone, but not around people. I am beautiful and intelligent, do not make me feel as if I am an embarrassment to you.
To anyone who has ever felt like they have been hidden, this one goes out to you. Take a step back and realize your value and worth because it is so much more than maybe what has been given to you. I am still working on this and let me be the first one to tell you that it is going to take so much time and self-reflection until you reach a point of security where you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I'm not worthless and shouldn't be hidden". Give it time and practice so one day you will find the person that will see your beautiful soul and will want to do nothing but show you off to the world.
