We've all had tough times. We've all swallowed down someone's harsh words. We've all known people whom we allowed to break us down.
No matter who out there has burned your flame, dulled your sparkle. diminished your dream or bulldozed your heart, you cannot let them win.
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I have been cracked, bent and taken down by others. I have gotten to my lowest point in the last year. I never imagined feeling like this. Never in my most f----- up dreams did I think I would be the person I am right now, sitting here writing all of this down.
How did I get here? What changed inside me?
I let people get too close.
Sometimes having people care about you is good, but most of the time, it doesn't end well. Every time I got close to someone, they would take a part of me when they left. I would give them my all, only to have them take a fraction of me away with them. Little by little, I lost my positive outlook on life, my once-charming personality and, finally, my smile.
I thought I would just be emotionally close with people who were a far distance away from me. Seems easier, right? I figured that way they would never figure out what is really going on with me because they are not here to see what is going on. If they did, they would think less of me, of the things I’ve done to my body, of the people I let manipulate me.
I let others take advantage.
I couldn't be close to anyone anymore. As I lost more of myself, I started to to let others take advantage of me. At first, it was just little things. I would do things for people simply because they asked, and I wanted to be accepted. Acceptance made me feel good; it made me feel wanted. Unfortunately, before I knew it, I let someone take such an intimate part of me I could never get back.
I woke up one morning and could not even be at my own apartment. I woke up and felt empty. I wanted to disappear.
Why? Because I let something happen in the middle of the night that left me feeling like I was the bottom of a restaurant dumpster. I’ve cried my soul out getting over that. I haven’t moved on. It’s not something I see happening in the near future. I am numb. I feel nothing. I lost all pride I had in who I was because that person I was is gone. That person was left alone in the middle of the night in a place she had always felt safe. That safety was ripped from under her. That peaceful place in her heart was sucked right out. She is gone. And so are any good memories she may have had.
I let people stress me out.
It’s probably the dumbest thing you can let happen to yourself. The initial stresses of your life are enough for you to carry. You carry them alone, and they eat you up inside. Your dreams will never be the same because your subconscious always finds a way to wiggle itself into them. I mean, honestly, do you remember when you had dreams of your happiest day? Because I don’t.
Everything was causing me stress. Everything was giving me anxiety. I let people's words haunt me day in and day out. I let opinions that shouldn't matter consume my thoughts. My parents would yell at me just to get their anger out, and I would take it so personally. I would let it get under my skin. I let all these things happen because I couldn't find my own worth.
I lost all emotion.
Other than the short few hours that alcohol made me laugh and smile, I just simply don’t remember so many things. I can’t remember the last time I felt safe. When was the last time I wasn’t second-guessing someone else’s actions? I don’t know what love feels like anymore. When someone shows me that ounce of affection, I could cry just feeling sorry for them. Because I will never feel what their words intend me to feel. I don’t know how to open back up. I shut myself off from my emotions and from my life.
So, here's my advice:
And please listen to me when I say this — don’t let them win.
I did.
And I cannot imagine you going through the same daily struggle. No matter who you are, no matter the color of your skin, no matter what terrible things you've done in the past, I hope you don't get to where I am in my life. Every day I struggle. I struggle to act normal, to look people in the eye, to trust those who love me. I would not wish that upon my worst enemy or your worst enemy.
One person cannot take what makes you special. They cannot diminish your strengths and flood your bright fire of passion. One person cannot do this. If one person can tear your life apart, that simply means there is something wrong with them.
You must love yourself. You must take what horrible things others have done to you and make yourself stronger. You have to embrace all the great things about you. Trust me, there are so many; you do not even realize. Don't let experiences you could not control alter or lessen the love you have for yourself.
Say these words until you believe them:
They have no power over me. I am strong, stronger than what I’ve gone through. I forgive them but not for them — I must forgive them for myself. I need to let it go. I am remarkable. I have talent. I am wise. I am unique. People out there love me, and I will not let myself become altered because of this. I will hold on for them. I will still be the confident person I am. I won't lose my smile. I am doing this for me.
