Having a mental illness doesn't mean who I am as a person is bound to the stigma attached. To me, going through all of this has shaped me into a better person that only tries to push for the greatest in my life. I'm now able to take my "weakness" and turn it into something that makes me stronger.
This past fall I trained to be a National Alliance on Mental Illness Presenter for the In Our Own Voice program they provide. My motivation/ determination for mental advocacy gave me the chance to speak at NAMI's 2018 Mental Health Conference and network with other advocates who share the same goal in mind: "Ending the stigma." I want to be able to inspire others and turn away from the negatives that are connected to mental illness. Sharing my story is what I know best.
Growing up it was pretty easy to make friends, I was always so outgoing and just wanted to be friends with everyone. I never realized how hard life could get until I reached my junior year of high school and found out what it was like to have anxiety. I would get these weird feelings in my stomach—they almost felt like not—but they would never go away. I questioned what was going on with myself and just thought if enough time passed, so would these strange feelings. It wasn't long after that I became so much more self-conscious about how others viewed me, didn't smile as much, and wasn't as outgoing as I normally was. It took a while to really recognize how serve my changes were. My grades were slipping, every day it was harder to get out of bed, and I didn't want to participate in anything anymore. I even had terrifying thoughts about how to make life easier for those around me. I truly believed, "If was no longer alive, then will the people I love be happier." After a long trip to the psychiatrist and a hard time accepting that I was being admitted to the hospital because I was a danger to myself, I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. Who would have thought that a bubbly girl, like me, would have her whole world flipped upside down in a matter of one single day?
My recovery has been a bumpy rollercoaster ride, but I know it's not over yet. Depression isn't something that will fully go away. Picking your life up again after feeling like you hit rock bottom is a lot easier said than done. It hasn't been until recently where I feel like I've gained control back of my life. My journey has taken a lot of time in therapy, finding the right balance of medication, and having a ton of support from family and friends.
Sure I have had plenty of ups and downs and I know I still will, but I've been able to accomplish so much throughout these years. As soon as I came out of the hospital and went back to school, I immediately started my high school's first suicide prevention club. I pushed so hard for it because I wanted more people to be educated on how much of our population mental health effects and how it affects others differently. It touched my heart how many students I was able to help out just by being a friend they can talk to and be understanding towards their situation. Months later I was lucky enough to be a Peer Leader and speak to younger kids about what I've gone through and how it's okay to ask for help. I was even given numerous of wonderful opportunities to give back to my community. I finished off senior year strong while obtaining an internship at an accounting firm and getting a jump start at my career path.
Now, I'm in college trying to achieve as many goals as possible, no matter how hard I have to work for it. I've been able to acquire a new internship, proudly have my name on SHU's Dean's List, take part in some great clubs, and join an amazing sorority. Pushing myself to do as much as I can take, has even gotten me to be a part of the Women's Finance Association and become Director of Finance for Delta Phi Epsilon. Sure, it is difficult to juggle a ton of different activities and roles while I'm also taking 18 credits, but it only makes me that much more happy with myself. Taking on these responsibilities help boost my self-confidence and make me remember how great life can be, and it's not always so bad. I still have days where I'm not motivated to do anything or something about me just feels off. Things look brighter when I have a support system and a busy schedule to keep my mind and body active again.
I don't regret what I've been through and how life was, because it's changed a lot about me. My views, my attitude, and my values have only improved. I'm still learning to see the positives in all the obstacles life has put in my path, but I'm also still learning on how to better myself every day. I'm not perfect and I don't expect myself to ever be. Right here, right now, I only expect myself to be the best version of me at this very moment, and I am extremely proud of who I am today.
