I lay at night and never know what to think about. But random thoughts come into mind and I lose control. I think about what happened five minutes ago, but mostly what happened 365 days ago. I try to make sure everything is alright but sometimes I can't even make sure that I'm all right. I lay at night and wonder what I can do better to make the world better. I cry at night and then go to school the next day like everything is okay.
People ask me all the time, "Am I okay?" and my answer is always the same, "Yeah, why are you asking?" My true friends think they know when I'm struggling but in reality, I'm never okay. I think that I'm not pretty enough, I'm not like the other girls that can just go to school without any makeup and everybody says they look gorgeous, or compare to the girls that weigh a total of 30 pounds and call themselves fat. People say that it is muscles, but to me, I'm struggling to be who I want to be. I can't do this anymore, be fake and people think I'm perfectly fine. Then when you freak out, they call you crazy or say you need help. When in reality, I've really been holding that in and you think that one little blow-up, that was only the slightest bit of it.
These last few weeks have been really difficult. There is so much to do and so much stress going on, my anxiety has been unbelievable. You have so many papers to hand in and so many tests to make sure you study for. Not to mention, to start working on that graduation party. By the rate that things have been going, that's a far shot away. Life has been a nut ball of stress. I never thought this day would come by so fast. Staying up until four in the morning, making sure things are done and drinking more coffee than the hours I get of sleep. I cry myself to sleep every night because I never know how this year is going to end. I didn't know what I wanted to study, or where I wanted to go, and every time I get something finished, something more comes, and the stress, pimples, and crying comes back.
But, I guess it's all worth it when graduation comes and you walk across that stage saying "I graduated high school."
