Hercules. Odysseus. Atlas, as pictured above in clipart form. All characters of Greek mythology, synonymous with feats of strength and endurance. Indeed the word 'Herculean' now comes to refer to a task needing strength and fortitude, both mental and physical. Atlas is well known for holding the world on his shoulders, but also shrugging if you're a fan of Ayn Rand.
Bodybuilding contests the world over focus on the physical aspects of strength and have made certain men celebrities and global superstars. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sylvester Stallone. It is also used by everyday people as inspiration to try and live healthier, look better and hence feel better about themselves. A common misconception about strength, however, is that strength is invulnerability, but I would like to argue that strength is in vulnerability.
(image source: https://tedleonhardt.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/strength-in-vulnerability-e1455669570289.jpg)
I too was surprised at this, but also a little at myself. How could I, a proud fan of heavy metal music and an enthusiast of 80s lone wolf action movies like Die Hard and Rambo have this epiphany? Was I going soft? Was college finally getting to me? The answer was actually something that got straight to my core and pulled it out, forcing me to stare at it in the cold light of day.
I am not strong. I am vulnerable. And I've been hiding it underneath a facade of strength. I pretend not to know or care when in fact it is probably most of my daily routine. Big things. Little things. About my microcosm, my little existence. About the state of the world, and wishing I could change it. What people think of me. Who thinks it of me. Whether I'm a disappointment to my family or not. I think about these things too much and pretend not to think of them at all. And then I find another roadblock. If I tell them I was the opposite, that I actually did care, the turn will be even more destructive to their opinion of me because then they would know I was just like the rest. And I would feel even more vulnerable than before, which is the exact reason why I've been trying to find strength by finding invulnerability.
When all the time it was in vulnerability.
Having diagnosed myself, I tried to find the cause. Why was there such an incongruity with my self-concept and the real me? It is probably because I've lived in around 20 cities and two countries in 21 years. Yes, I know the wanderlust argument probably applies to me, and also the fact that I've seen a bit more of the world than most people, but that's another discussion. However, all that moving around left me with little to no friends as I was always the 'new kid on the block' and watching people start and keep long lasting friendships ate away at my self-esteem a lot. It is probably the single biggest reason and something I still struggle with,
(image source: https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/miscellaneous-school-new_school-aliens-ufos-new_kid-dro0232_low.jpg).
The flipside of this is that I'm now no longer scared of introducing myself because I've done it so many times now that it just feels natural. So maybe there is something to be said about being constantly on the move - you're always ready for the next time.
Another thing I discovered was that this delusion came at a price and a rather dear one at that. My happiness. Yes, I smile and laugh at Comedy Central videos and tell lame jokes and all that jazz, but more often than not I just think way too much than is necessary, about things way bigger than me that are also completely redundant in daily life. Being a science major, my brain needs its mental RAM on standby for academics, so this constant state of fake strength was playing havoc with my stress levels as well. If I learn to relax well I will be able to learn well.
The last thing which I'm trying to dissolve is the fact that I want to live someone else's life. Anyone. Then I realized that there may be people who wished they were me, and I wonder if they think of me the way I think of some other people, and find strength in that. True strength at that. I've come to terms with the fact that we're all unique and the collective is always stronger than the individual. Yes, I may be struggling and feeling alone, but then we all do sometimes.
So does this mean that I am now a changed person? Born again from the ashes of my previous self, like the proverbial phoenix? No, far from it. This is just realizing that the delusion will no longer work and that all the time I spent under it probably did me more harm than good. It was a toxic attachment I had with that state of mind. It's all well and good in theory, like most things - be vulnerable, and people might actually know how you really feel. For someone like me, who has been insular for so long that I actually genuinely believed people didn't care at all, it is still a work in progress. And as I'm talking about fire and ashes, the city of Rome wasn't built in a day.
But then it wasn't burnt in a day either.
(image source: https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/history-rome-romans-burned-burning-fire-rde7586_low.jpg)
