This article was written over the course of an hour. I wrote down each thought that came to my mind. I was afraid of opening my mind up to the public eye, but my roommate told me "the kind of writing that matters is the kind that scares you a little," and so- here I am.

Some days I am confident that I am bland and similar to others, but other days I am sure that I am completely different and unique. Maybe being different is what makes me the same. I hate waking up early, but I hate sleeping the day away. I love when my bedroom is clean, but I hate cleaning my bedroom. I love performing, but I am terrified of auditioning. I am an oxymoron, but really, I'm just a moron. However, I am intelligent. I am smart. I make stupid jokes and I love to play but I am sure that I am clever. My thoughts wander into places that my mind cannot even fathom, and my fingers cannot type the thoughts fast enough for me to express how I feel.

I like making people laugh, but I hate not being taken seriously. And maybe that's my fault, maybe I shouldn't make a joke out of every sentence I say. But I joke and I laugh and I tease as a defense mechanism, because I am extremely and utterly confused and afraid of my real thoughts. I may not always be cast in a show, but with each joke I tell I am constantly giving a performance and entertaining someone. Can I put that on my resume?

I still play Candy Crush because I am intrigued and astounded by puzzles. I don't know what I am trying to accomplish with them, though. When you finish a puzzle or a game of candy crush or any game for that matter, you don't get anything. You don't get a prize or any acknowledgement or even a simple pat on the back. Most people don't care what you do. Most people don't care about puzzles. When you tell people you're on level 734 of Candy Crush, you usually just get a confused look followed by "Where do you find the time?" or "You still play that?". The truth is it really helps me with my anxiety. Well, sometimes it causes more anxiety because it's a stressful game, but it is something in my life where the stakes aren't high, it isn't life or death, and it takes my mind off of whatever is going on in my life. So yeah, I still play 'that', fuck you.

I sleep without clothes on and that is the only time I am 100% confident in my body. Maybe it's because I'm not awake or maybe it's because I am under a blanket. I wear an outfit once and feel great in it, but then I'll wear it again and feel as though I look like garbage.

I develop feelings for the wrong people. I cannot fathom the thought of commitment at the age of 20 years old. Maybe it's because I have been hurt several times in the past, maybe it's because I don't believe in love, or maybe its because I just haven't found the right person to be committed to. I am afraid of sexual activity even though I have experienced it. I am confused about sexuality as a whole. I am comfortable with saying that sexuality fluid, but I am uncomfortable answering questions about who I am attracted to. I am comfortable with admitting my feelings to myself, but uncomfortable admitting them to anybody else.

That being said, I think I care about people too much. Like way too much. I put peoples feelings before my own, which in theory, is sort of selfish because I get a thrill out of helping others and making people feel good. But maybe my caring is too excessive. I am very good at showing affection to some people, but terrible at showing affection to the ones that really deserve it.

I think I was smarter before I was addicted to technology. I think being addicted to my phone made me lose motivation to be my best self, and that's a scary thing because I am completely aware of it but I am doing nothing to change it. Why? Because I have no motivation to do so.

I am a 20 year old with arthritis in my left foot. I am the one in groups that sometimes needs to slow things down. I am the one in dance class that can't do everything I am instructed to do. I am the one that jokes about her disability, but is really just embarrassed about it and has to joke about it before anybody else does. Because I would not be able to handle it if someone were to actually tease me about something that I am so self conscious about. In the end, it's just another thing that makes me feel different and weirder than others. I have a boy's name, I'm a bigger girl, and I have the joints of a 90 year old.

I talk about being self conscious and unconfident, but this is my longest article because it's all about myself. Go fucking figure.

I curse a lot because I think it adds comedic affect. People say it's 'unladylike', I say fuck you.

I think it's interesting to realize that the people in your life right now that mean a lot to you may mean absolutely nothing to you in 10 years from now. It's interesting to realize that you might meet somebody that will change your life tomorrow. Or in a few years. Or in a few seconds.

I don't follow any religion and I don't believe in God, but I do believe in some sort of higher power. I believe in the stars. I believe in the universe. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that everyone has their own variation of religion and that it's not something we could necessarily fight about because everyone has their own interpretation of their religion. I don't understand why people bash another person's religion, because for somebody that does not believe in practiced prayer- I am intrigued by it. I am an adult and I don't quite understand death. I mean I get it, like I know what death is. But I have so many unanswered questions about where we go, how we get there, if we feel anything, if death is final. Until those questions are answered, or basically until I experience death myself, I cannot say that I fathom it.

I think that if 15 year old me met 20 year old me, she would hate her. In fact, I think if 19 year old me met 20 year old me, she would hate her. Maybe thats a good thing, or, maybe I should get my shit together.

I can go on writing for minutes, hours, days, months, and years because the mind doesn't stop wandering or wondering. And that's incredible. Life is incredible. Living is incredible. Why aren't people astounded by this more? We are here. That's the one thing everyone has in common. We are here. I am here. Here. Now. Isn't that insane?