When I first heard of Stranger Things, I admit, I wasn't super interested. I was too busy crying over Hamilton, rewatching Psych, and throwing shade on Once Upon A Time. There really wasn't much space in the entertainment section of my brain.

But I sat down and made it happen, because I've heard a TON of good reviews on it. Nearly every person I talk to keeps bringing it up, so I feel like I need to join in so I can have something to talk about at least. And, for fun, I decided to recap and review it here. So let's start with:

What I expected before I watched it

1. To figure out why the kid from the Macaroni/Running man video was so popular.

2. Screaming.

3. E.T. remake.

4. A good show (but I'm keeping my expectations chill).

5. Heard there was no gay tho. Sigh.

Stranger Things: Season 1 Episode 1 "The Vanishing of Will Byers" SPOILERS AHEAD

So I've been avoiding Tumblr posts about Stranger Things and dodging out of conversations about it, because I wanted to go into it spoiler-free, prepared to build my own opinion of it. So I had absolutely no clue what was going on when it started. I spent the first part of the episode thinking it was about raptors, what with the strange Jurassic Park-esque beginning.

I was wrong, of course. Because the bad guy in the show is MUCH WORSE. I WAS NOT PREPARED.

So the show started out with a random scientist running through a set from Storage Wars, from what I assumed was raptors based on their sounds. He got in an elevator and got eaten by the not-raptors. Bye, homeboy.

Then we moved to the basement from That 70s Show, where four kids were not getting high, but playing Dungeons and Dragons. There was a Demi-gorgon and some preteen cursing and then everybody had to go home, cuz it was a school night. So three of our main boys, Lucas, Dustin, and Will, rode off on their bikes, leaving Mike's house.

Will, in a very nice moment of characterization, quickly told Mike that he had lost their game of D&D while Mike was distracted. Sweet boy. I like him. Ten dollars says he dies or gets kidnapped or somethin'.

SHO 'NUFF, it's Will that goes off on his own through dark trees and his bike light goes out. Then it comes back on and F'IN SLENDERMAN IS IN THE ROAD, NOOOOO FUKIN THANK U. I'M OUT. AHHHH.

Once I'd finished crying and had a feed-bag of Rocky Road strapped to my face, I hit play again. Will gets taken by Slenderman, because of course he does. Ten dollars for me.

Winona Ryder is in this??? What! I love her. But anywho, Winona is Will's mom and she and her older son, CoconutHead, (who runs sideways all the time. Did anyone else notice that?) realize Will is missing and go to the worst man possible: the police chief. I hate him already. Her kid is missing and he keeps asking weird questions like, "Why do the kids pick on his clothes?" and "Is he [gay]?". Cop guy is useless. I didn't even catch his name, actually. Huh. I'm usually super good with names. Anyways, he was truly unhelpful.

But Will's friends go to school and we find out that Dustin (a.k.a. Macaroni/Running Man boy) has cleidocranial dysplasia and that's why he doesn't have any front teeth yet. Look how smart I look, spelling that right and all. (I looked it up.)

Also, Mike (Dollface) has an older sister named Nancy who is mackin' on some boy named Steve in a bathroom at school. Steve is a very pushy prick that I hate already. Nancy deserves better. Like, CoconutHead. He seems sweet.

Back on the set of Storage Wars, a team in hazmat suits went in and found... Idk what that is. Does it have firing neurons in it? Is that a brain on the wall? With tentacles? IT'S MOVING, AHHH! NO FUKIN THANK U!

Now we meet the girl, Eleven, who has something to do with the brain thing on the wall and Slenderman, but idk what all that's about yet. She's running around in a hospital gown and sneaking into diners to snort carbohydrates. The diner owner, Benny (who has exactly seventy-four hearts drawn around his name in my notes), catches her and feeds her burgers and ice cream and is really sweet and gentle and I just want their friendship to last 5-ever and then some. Benny and Eleven are the cutest thing I've ever seen.

The search for Will continues and there's a...is this a flashback? Dream sequence? Or is Will actually hiding out in a fort in the woods and only his mother knows? What is happening? Oh, okay, so it's a flashback to reveal stuff to the audience. Got you. I got it. Thx. Does that sign on the fort say, "All friends welcome"? Man, Will really was the sweetest.

The cops find Will's bike in the woods and bring it back to Winona Ryder and CoconutHead. The Jerk Cop ends up in the shed where Will disappeared and he seems to catch on to something I don't. But maybe this means he'll actually be helpful. We'll see. Also, apparently his daughter died at some point so we should just accept his awful behavior, I guess.

Side note: I hate Mike's dad too. And Pushy Steve. And Jerk Cop. Pretty much every man that isn't the teacher with the pornstache or CoconutHead.

GOODNESS ME, those are the largest walkie-talkies I ever seen in me life. Also, they work from Mike's house to Lucas' house. Mine barely worked from the kitchen to my bedroom when I was a kid. Apparently size does matter.

Back in Benny's diner, he's being adorable and she's being adorable and I'm so enamored with this that I want to hand him adoption papers right now and make that shiz official. But then a blonde woman knocks on the door and I AM IMMEDIATELY FILLED WITH DISTRUST. WHY? But it's okay, she's from social services and she's gonna- SHE SHOT BENNY! SHE JUST STRAIGHT UP SHOT THE SWEETEST MAN IN THE WORLD! WHAT IS THIS SHOW?

Anyways, the BITC-I mean, faux-Social services worker is in league with the men in hazmat suits who then storm the diner. Eleven manages to kill two full-grown men somehow and takes off into the night.

Oh, also, Winona Ryder and CoconutHead were in the process of choosing a photo of Will to post around for the missing posters and stuff, which is devastating. And CoconutHead really sells the whole guilty big brother thing. I love him. They get a phone call from Will and Slenderman that I couldn't quite understand cuz I didn't put my hearing aids in, but then the phone shocks her and the call is over and it was all super creepy.

The episode ends with Eleven running right into Mike, Lucas, and Dustin, who had taken it upon themselves to go searching for Will alone in the dark, stormy night. I have no idea what's going on and they've already removed my two favorite characters so Idk how I feel just yet. More on that after Episode 2!

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm usually like, "No, just go ahead and tell me everything that happens in that movie. I'll still watch it later and enjoy it just as much." But THIS TIME! I have no beforehand knowledge of anything! I watched this episode with only a vague idea that there were some boys on bikes. So here are my unbiased predictions for the rest of the show!

My predictions for the series:

Everyone I love will die or be kidnapped by Slenderman.

Nancy will dump Pushy Steve because he doesn't know that "no" means "no" and she will end up with someone nice. Who else on the show is her own age? CoconutHead! Yeah! Oh, crap. Now I'm shippin' it. I didn't need another ship in my armada.

Revision of last prediction: That will not happen, because it's what I want to happen. Instead, I believe Pushy Steve will get marginally nicer and Nancy will finally let him kiss her with tongue and I will never be happy.

More random flashbacks.

Eleven will be a complete badass.

Two or more of the boys will start fighting each other for Eleven's attention.

Slenderman will be beautiful.

But who knows? Comment below and let me know what you thought of the first episode of Stranger Things!