A problem I have had for years has recently resurfaced and has taken a lot out of me. I have had depression for years, and constantly live with this burden. No one really understands what I have going on in my head. I’m so tired. So very tired.
I wake up every morning and wonder if I should get out of bed. It feels like I have an elephant sitting on my chest, and it takes all of my energy to simply get out of bed. I struggle to sit up as my anxiety starts to wrap its icy fingers around my chest, making it hard to breathe and shocking me awake. I sit there for five minutes arguing with myself whether I should get dressed and ready for the day, or stay in bed.
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This is how every morning has been since eighth grade.
It's not easy talking about this. Few people know about the depressive feelings, and I used to like keeping it that way. Keeping all of my emotions built up inside until I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn't have to tell someone or find some sort of release. I used to have very unhealthy outlets for my depression, considering mine stems from self-hatred. At one point I was hospitalized because I was a danger to myself.
Suicide attempts tend to have that result.
Now that I’m past that point in my life, it’s back to the day to day management of my disease. Yes, it is a disease. For those that disagree, you haven’t the slightest idea of what depression is or does to the body. Every day I have to convince myself that it is another day worth living, worth walking outside, talking to my parents, or seeing my friends. I have to make a pros-cons list every day to decide if it's worth it. That is not a great way to live.
I know as I grow older it will continue to get easier. Hell, it is way easier than it used to be. It is still a huge challenge I face every day. If there are guys out there who have depression but do not want to admit it because it will show they are weak or not a “man”, it is okay.
Understand that I denied I had depression until my senior year of high school. That almost ruined my life. It is okay to say you are sad and need help. Trust me, it is okay. As a fellow male who is going through this with you, it will get easier and everything will get better.
There is a song I listen to now and again and the lyrics remind me of this.
“But I heard someone say,
They knew that someday,
That everything would fall into its place.
And everything would be fine.
And I really, truly, honestly,
Without a doubt want to believe,
That everything will be alright.”
Just start and try to believe that everything will be alright. Sooner or later. I promise you it will.
