Being an only child, I was often viewed as a spoiled brat by my classmates ever since grade school.
Even until high school, the idea of me being spoiled still exists. My classmates have never directly mentioned it in front of me but the assumption that I am enjoying all the apparent riches that my family has to offer still lingers within their minds.
Therefore, when I moved by myself all the way to New York during freshman year without any family accompanying me. I made myself a promise, a promise that I will prove to those people who dejected me and berated me from the past, that I, Ginger Ooi, am capable of handling myself; without my parents. I will try my best to mature into a better version of me, to not let my family members worry about me too much.
However, I had not realized that the more I was trying to prove myself, the more I was actually losing myself.
I had totally transformed into a different person while trying to prove my capabilities. There were times where I'd accidentally cause some harm and hurt the people around me. Some friendships and relationships were mendable, whereas some weren't.
To those people who I have hurt, if you are reading this, I am very sorry.
The truth is, becoming more mature and proving yourself are two totally different things. You mature by having more confidence in yourself while keeping an open mind to your surroundings and not being too opinionated.
I had achieved none of those qualities when I thought I had.
I assumed that I was actually adapting to my new surroundings and was blending in just fine when actually I was literally hiding in my room most of the time. I wasn't really stepping out of my comfort zone at all.
I didn't want my family to worry about me so I tried proving to them that I was fine. However, each passing day felt like torture to me, I got so homesick during the end of the spring semester and felt as if everything has been sucked away from me.
This summer was a time when I really found myself once more. I spent time with family and friends and felt as if I was transported back in time. Only then did I realize that the reason I had felt so depressed during freshman year was that I only kept the mindset of 'proving myself'. The only way I could ever prove myself wasn't by forcing myself into becoming a person I wasn't but all I had to do was just be my usual self and just do my part.I shouldn't have tried to pretend to be someone I'm not, I should have just been me.
So this is a message to everyone and future me, just be yourself.
Don't fake it to make it.
